THERE IS NEED FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Emotions are simply psychological responses to the events of life. Martha Washington said, “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not our circumstances.” Emotions are great forces in every living being. Under the power of emotions someone can perform the most heroic as well as the most bastardly acts. Emotions determine the way an individual acts. In the heart of every human being is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement makes victims to lose their mind. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. Emotional intimacy is important to marriage as maintaining oil is important to an automobile. Many married couple had found out to their chagrin that a perpetual honeymoon is not a reality. It is at this stage that many of them find out that the intimacies of married life are more challenging than courtship. The best way to achieve emotional intimacy is a mutual willingness to forgo personal preferences and see things from each other’s viewpoint. There will be no genuine happiness or permanent satisfaction without blending their preferences. When married couple comes to the realization that emotional intimacy is important, they are well on their way to the perfect adjustment by which happy marriage are made possible.

If couples are to develop an intimate relationship, they need to know each other’s desires. If they wish to love each other, they need to know what the other partner wants. The way you express your desires matters. If they are expressed as demands, they may erase the possibility of intimacy and alienate your spouse. If, however, you make known your needs and desires as requests, you are giving guidance, not commands. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that he has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. This will communicate to him emotionally that you care for him, respect and admire him and want to do something to please you. When you make demands, your spouse might comply but it is not an expression of love. It is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love. Thus, a request creates the possibility for expression of love, whereas a demand stifles the possibility. Your partner could be cheery and joyful; grumbling and whining; continually content; complaining and argumentative; hopeful and happy; discouraged and discontented. Whatever be the situation, you have the key to change the emotional climate in your home. Observe his body language – clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows. Watch out for signs that may give you clues as to what your partner is feeling. Sometimes his body language sends out one message while his words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what he is really thinking and feeling. As you try to understand your partner, more and more, your thinking will change from me to us. This goes to prove that you are having shared emotions- both exhilaration and despondency; of pain and respite from pain. With more intelligent and broad-minded outlook on married life, the wife will realize that her husband has reason to look forward to the hours spent at home as providing a relaxation from the time spent at his office. Also, the husband will become reconciled with the idea that the home which he sees as he returns from work is not a happenstance but represents many hours of tolling and planning on the part of his wife. With mutual understanding, regard and appreciation for the efforts that are being put in toward the maintenance of the family and the home, neither partner will be unsympathetic or too demanding. Under this condition, tolerance will take place of selfishness, a depth of understanding will prevent the drawing of hasty conclusions; and a desire to contribute to the happiness of the home will outweigh those little disagreements and hurt pride which formerly serves as a core around which misunderstanding develops. You can have a temper sometimes, and lash out at each other. But when it really counts, you have to be there for your partner. Barbara Rainey wrote, “Weather the storms of life by turning toward one another and building into each other rather than rejecting one another.” You must understand the importance of being a good partner. With act of will, of discipline, you can keep yourself calm and in command of the situations around you which also means being in command of yourself.

There is “a time to weep and a time to laugh.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). You should never negate your emotions, but in the midst of experiencing them, your attitude can remain constant. Maintaining a positive attitude is not a feeling but an underlying outlook you have toward people and toward life. It represents a hope and faith that is rooted within your heart. The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires. There are people who brighten a room by their presence, while others brighten the room by leaving. You should be the former and not the latter. Jesus told his followers in Matthew 5:16 “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” As you shine with love, your partner will be drawn to you. When a couple achieves emotional intimacy, their marriage will take on a new dimension. Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in actual fact, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time but they are not together. One way to express love emotionally is to use loving words. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. Think what the emotional climate of your marriage will look like if complimentary words are spoken by you regularly.

QUESTIONS YOU NEED TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO."

1. Is your fiancé/fiancée usually happy, cheerful and optimistic? Marriage seldom changes these fundamental traits of personality. 2. Can he/she discuss controversial questions without being provoked into heated arguments? 3. Are his/her emotions stable? 4. Is he/she conservative in matters of morals, politics, and finance? 5. Does he/she cooperate easily with others and work smoothly with his/her superiors and subordinates? 6. Is he/she benevolent towards the downtrodden and does he/she take delight in helping the underprivileged? 7. Is he/she willing to receive advice graciously? 8. Does he/she give careful attention to the details of his/her daily work? 9. Is he/she willing to take responsibility; and has he/she succeeded thus far in his/her business ventures and enterprises? 10. Is he/she religious and his religion the same with yours? 11. Do you love him/her in spite of his/her faults? It is not safe to assume that his/her faults will disappear after your marriage. 12. Is he/she fond of children? 13. Do you take pride in your fiancé/fiancée? If you feel apologetic when seen in his/her company, there is evidence of a lack of suitability. If your answers to the above questions are yes, you may conclude that your fiancé (fiancée) possesses qualities favorable to a satisfactory marital adjustment.

FRUSTRATION IS OVER

As trouble crawled into my bed I crawled out warning it to Cross me off its list of victims As trouble ran after me I ran faster to elude it Running away from all the fears And uncertainty in my life Preventing it from turning The furnishings of my life Into dismal heaps As trouble tried to embrace me Hope chased ridiculous Fears away making Uncertainty and helplessness Strangers to my nature As trouble tried to kiss me The sun left the sky as Florence Nightingale with iodine Came to rest beside me Healing my wounded hopes As disgrace pursued me I plucked up courage and Put up with my circumstances With humility and fortitude As trouble lay in the dust I took myself in my hands And hugged myself with Satisfaction. I laughed. Feeling happy about something That once hurt so much It’s time to celebrate The nasty rough ride is over. Done.

QUARRELLING IS HEALTHY IN MARRIAGE

At the time a couple get married, they are usually happy and in love. Many couples enter marriage with many dreams and great expectations of an eternal joyful co-habitation. Because they love each other they believe that they will automatically live happily forever. But because there is some adjustment to make about some of their inevitable differences in personality there are bound to be problems and conflicts which however they should try to resolve amicably. Michael J. McManus wrote, “Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how it is handled.” Quarrelling takes place in every marriage for a number of reasons, great or small. Effective communication is the key to marital stability. Each partner should give vent to his views freely. Quarrelling is a means of effective communication in marriage because in polite discussions most partners are not always wholesomely frank about their feelings in a particular situation so as not to arouse the ire of the other. Quarrelling helps each partner to acquire a deeper knowledge of the other. The realization that your love is strong enough to survive a disagreement is of benefit to your marriage. Cathartic quarrels help to vent some of the tensions developed over a period of time. There are two schools of thought concerning quarrelling. Some people feel that polemic encounters between couples should be avoided at all cost while the other group believes that quarrelling is an unavoidable vicissitude of marriage. When quarrelling is avoided at all cost, there is no opportunity of resolving a conflict of opinions and consequently tensions develop and disharmony set in. In this era of women liberation, quarrelling is inevitable because it is clear indication that the husband and wife regard each other as equal and not subservient partner. The most important thing in all quarrels is how they are handled by the partners. It is a yardstick of measuring if the couples are building a successful marriage or a tumultuous one. Howard J. Markman et al wrote in their book For Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, “But twenty-five years of research tell us that success in marriage is related not so much to the nature of the differences they have. If you want to have a great relationship, the way you handle differences matters more than what those differences are.” It is healthy for a couple to feel that quarrelling is an acceptable part of marriage and that disagreement in opinion should not lead to separation or divorce. It should however be realized that your partner will be more honest with you if he/she knows that occasional disagreeing with your ideas will not end your marriage. A person who is well-adjusted and faces life with realism cannot afford not to disagree with her partner occasionally because she knows that sulking or brooding or being moody about problems do not solve them but only leads to discontent and sometimes to separation or even divorce. When a woman fails to give vent to her problems and makes no attempt to try to solve them, it often stultifies what would have been an idyllic relationship. When you argue for what you believe, it helps to strengthen your marriage because then it becomes symbiotic relationship where both partners contribute to the marriage. Quarrelling could be constructive or destructive. Destructive quarrelling mostly involves speaking slightingly of your partner in such a way as to bring his name into disrepute, passing derogatory remarks and displaying of excess anger by one or both partners. In this case, the partners are rarely able to solve the problems and it leads to profound frustration and unhappiness. Marital conflicts may be natural, but it doesn’t have to be messy. It is dangerous to belittle your partner or mention his weaknesses during a quarrel. In some people’s tantrum, they say things that hurt their mate so much only to regret saying them later. A quarrel is constructive when the partners discuss the issues of disagreement and learn to communicate with each other. In a conflict, you should not seek to win at all cost but to ensure that you and your spouse come to a better understanding of each other’s point of view. Actually, a quarrel can be adduced constructive if it has two results: a diminishing of the initial conflict and an understanding of one another’s perspective. In this case it is not a win-lose but a win-win situation. There is wisdom in choosing not to quarrel about every issue. Some things are worth fighting for; some are not. Marriage, like all relationships, involves give and take. Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is to overlook your hurt, swallow your pride, and set aside your own needs and desires for the common good of your family. Sometimes you want to win so much that you won’t let an issue go. If you don’t let go, often the quarrel becomes quite emotional, and you end up doing or saying things you may later regret. Jesus said in Mark 3:25, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Every dream is not meant to become a reality in life. When you are at fault, be ready and willing to ask for forgiveness and the other person should forgive. “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” ( Colossians 3:13). But you might be amazed at how much your heart, mind, and desires can change when you have had time to think and pray about it. Romans 14:19 says, “Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.” Winning an argument and getting what you want may feel good in the short term, but you gain more in the long run if at times you concede. When you need to approach your spouse about a matter that may prompt disagreement, you have to choose your time wisely. There are times to stand up for what you want or need. There are times to bring up a hurt or frustration and discuss it. If any particular issue is going to continue to bother you, you should not overlook it. It is better to discuss the matter than allow it to fester and grow into a bigger problem. Making your spouse aware of your interests, needs, and desires is healthy. But creating a war over those interests, needs, desires is destructive, and more often than not, both unhealthy and unnecessary. When is the worst time to discuss a touchy issue or have disagreement with your spouse? Don’t choose when your spouse is tired or hungry. Wait until he is relaxed, and in a quiet place where the two of you can be alone and discuss freely without interruption. You should handle touchy issues during the day, not late in the evening when your spouse might be tired and irritable. Always avoid having a heated argument before you go to bed. You might not be able to sleep. Always go to bed in peace, even if that means setting aside your anger and frustration for the night. You may find that your emotions are not as charged and the issue doesn’t seem as big after a good night’s rest. Time of the day is not the only variable to consider in timing a discussion with your spouse. The time of the month is equally important too. During the month there is what is called the fluctuating of hormones. During your monthly hormonal changes, you may feel very emotional. Variety of symptoms that can surface during this time, include, feeling of despair, negative attitudes toward yourself and others, impulsiveness, fatigue, and a sense of loss. The good news is that these symptoms usually subside after a few days. A quarrel should purge your mind of your earlier tensions, resentments, fears and anxieties. No two people can live for years without some problems, conflicts and pains. Therefore quarrelling is healthy.

MY LODESTONE

You’re a vision of loveliness

You’re my lodestar and

My lodestone combined

Your appearance in my life:

Made me feel as I was in a storm

The ground beneath my feet

Seemed to rock and sway

Gently but perceptibly

Made me feel as the sun

Warming and radiant has

Suddenly appeared in a

Midnight sky

I clutch on you the way

A drowning man clutches

A lifesaver causing me

To wonder what was

Happening to me

Claustrophobia overtook me

The love in your eyes spoke

To me of things no words

Could convey

Our hands seeking each other

And fingers interlaced as

If neither could bear to

Be wholly separated

The warmth of your body

Strengthen me like armor

You glitter as the early

Morning sun emerging

From the cloud

You’re a woman after my heart

I love you like life itself

Wherever you’re going

There I’ll go.