WILL MARRY SOMEONE FROM DIFFERENT SOCIAL CLASS

Since I’d been going to see Biola at home, I’d never met her father. He was always abroad for holidays or on business trips. I wondered when he’d time to attend the senate. Senator Harrison didn’t share Biola’s rapture for me. I’d made a bad impression during my first encounter with him. As I walked through the gate one Saturday, on early visit, I saw a tall, fair-complexioned man with rosy cheeks and protruding stomach. His youthful face belied his sixty-five years. He was graying at the temples. He was coming from the swimming pool, where he’d gone for a swim. He wore white drawers and had a small towel round his neck, his chest covered with a mass of hair as thick as the African jungle. I greeted him when I got to him. “Yes gentleman? Are you looking for somebody?” he asked, with his rich baritone voice. I could sniff power and affluence around him. “Yes, sir. I’m a friend of Biola,” I said with elaborate politeness. “Who are you?” “I’m Okafor. Chika Okafor,” I stated audaciously. “Which Okafor? The Minister?” “No, sir.” “Are you a member of the distinguished Okafor family of Onitsha?” “No, sir.” “Which Okafor is your father then? And where does he work?” he asked sharply. “He’s a laborer in one of the ministries,” I replied, feeling highly embarrassed. “Laborer? You mean you’re a son of a laborer? Where do you live?” I swallowed, shifting my weight from foot to foot as I faced his searching gaze. "Ajegunle,” I said, avoiding his quizzical look. “My God, that slum!” he said in a surly snarl. The rich didn’t have any respect for people raised in squalor. Luckily, I saw Biola running towards us. I needed her help. "Popsy, he’s my guest. I hope you’re not embarrassing him.” He was staring at me with an intensity that totally unnerved me, as if I were some monster animal from the zoo. “Biola, dear, why did you invite this hooligan from Ajegunle to this house? I won’t like to see him around this house again.” He shot me another unsettling look. “Daddy, he is not a hooligan. He’s a graduate of Industrial Chemistry.” “And therefore? I want you to associate with children of decent people. The truth is that if you raise a child in a decent environment, he’ll ultimately comport himself decently. Imagine you befriending the son of a laborer? Incredible! You should mix with children of commissioners, senators, ministers, governors and the like. Not children of laborers, messengers, cleaners, what have you?” Senator Harrison was angling for a bigger catch for his daughter. “Daddy, this is not a way to talk.” Tears of hopelessness and rage filled her eyes. “You’re being too class-conscious. I’m already an adult. I’ve the right to choose my friends. Money is just not everything.” Her lips curved into a determined pout. “But the lack of it could make life exceedingly difficult for you,” he reminded her sternly. “Darling girl, this type of boy is not good for you. His university education notwithstanding, he’ll still be crude due to the environment where he was brought up.” “Daddy, don’t be a bigot,” she said defiantly. “And if I get hurt – well, I’m the one who’ll have to bear that hurt.” “Are you thinking a man doesn’t hurt when his child is hurt?” Throughout the hot debate between father and daughter I kept quiet. I knew I had Biola on my side, but I watched the whole encounter with a sinking heart. Although Senator Harrison’s English, French and German were excellent; he preferred to speak Yoruba to Biola. Senator Harrison had his own ideas about what was best for Biola. And from what I’d seen, anyone from a poor background was not eligible. How could I’ve been such a naive fool as to believe I could have a serious affair with Biola. Our lives were worlds apart. But I’d never given up easily before. Senator Harrison’s insult made me make a resolution. I decided I must get rich at all cost. I was determined to prove to Senator Harrison that wealth wasn’t a peculiar characteristic of one family. “You son-of-a-bitch, listen to me, get the hell out of my compound,” he snarled, “now!” His tone was stern and unyielding. He was very authoritative. Senator Harrison, like a thousand other fathers, had only meant the best for his daughter perhaps and really had nothing personal against me. It was simply the way things were in Nigeria, and anywhere else. Birds of the same feathers flock together. At this point, I found the humiliation unbearable. I’d never undergone such humiliation all my life. I felt tears of anger and frustration clouds my eyes. I turned back crestfallen, and left the compound. “Arrogant, rich bastard,” I snorted as I left. I was provoked so I took a taxi to a hotel in Surulere to drown my anger with beer.

TRY TO MASTER YOUR MOODS BECAUSE ANGER CAN DESTROY MARRIAGE

One of the commonest evidence that a person has not yet developed full maturity of his personality is the tendency to give way to fits of temper. Most husbands become angry whenever they did not get their ways or whenever something happened that wounded their sense of personal pride. Some husbands not only speak most unkindly to their wives but resort to threats and sometimes throw their shoes at the women or whatever other objects that may be handy. Some women are also capable of uncontrollably anger. Some become angry when their husbands forget to fulfill some promises made. The commonest cause of anger is keeping of late night by their husbands because it is believed that they must have been with other women. Moods are hard to define, but everybody experiences them. The Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary defines mood as the state of one’s feelings or mind at a particular time. They provide the setting for all conscious mental process. They influence thoughts and reactions. They give color, sometimes brilliant ones and sometimes dull ones to everything that happens. In order to be able to handle your moods, the first rule in a successful marriage is to be sure that you are grown up emotionally. Marriage is for the mature minds, not the infantile. The fusion of two different personalities requires emotional balance and control on the part of each partner. Practically all cases of temper date from early childhood. Habits are formed more quickly when we are young, but if we have already passed the youthful flexible period it is now time to put our temper under control. Some had throughout childhood had indulged in their temper as a mean of coercing their parents into cooperating with them. They had frequently gotten their way by throwing tantrum whenever, their will was crossed. This same tendency followed into their adolescence with very little change. Even during their young adult years they still used their fits of temper as a means of demanding their own way. As they married they found that their reaction to having their will crossed remained the same as when they were children. The only difference was that some spouses were unwilling to give in to their partners’ tantrum as their parents had been. Some wives had certain strength of their own and had not been willing to accede to their husbands, as their parents used to, by giving in allowing them their ways simply because of the threat of a fit of temper.

Even in the same individual moods vary from elation to depression. Some people are elated more than they are depressed; others seem to be depressed most of the time. During the elation period one feels as if he were walking with spring in his steps. During elation you hold your chin up; see the humor in trivial occurrences and see the bright side of the more serious happenings. You have courage, energy, and optimism. You feel fine and act it. When depressed, you walk slowly and look toward the ground. You smile only occasionally, and then with apparent difficulty. You see a tragedy in every problem. You lack perspective, feel discouraged, and sometimes wish you could just die. Nothing seems right. The sun either is too hot or the cold is too penetrating. There is even a tendency to suspect the motives of others. Some people experience sudden changes in mood. Some people’s mood change so often that it is hard to predict when they are cheerful and when they are downcast. When cheerful, such a person is sociable and one feels that I have met a friend. When downcast, he may even ignore old acquaintances, even his wife, who wonders, “What have I done now?” Everyone experiences these fluctuations of mood, even though the extremes may not be very common. Of course, the events of the day have their influence on your mood. The businessman who completes an important job feels like treating his wife to a sumptuous dinner; but he is likely to ignore his wife greeting when he returns home, if he has failed to win a major contract he has been going after for many months. Your physical condition also has a great deal to do with your moods. When you come back from work feeling worn out you tend to feel downcast, whereas you will feel buoyant when you just returned from a vacation. But even though the day’s events and the state of health have a profound influence on your mood, there is still another factor that has its effect. This is the tendency toward cyclic alterations. When emotional is abundant you feel elated and ready to accept challenges. During its ebb you tend to be depressed. By their very nature, moods are hard to analyze. So it is not surprising that most people are not aware of the rhythmical nature of their moods. But the keeping of a simple record will convince you that your moods do come and go in a wavelike manner. Once convinced, a period of depression will seem much less difficult to handle than when it was supposed that moods depend entirely on the day’s happenings only. With this insight a period of depression will be less devastating knowing that a feeling of well-being will soon follow. Moods can be taken in stride. The high price to pay for uncontrolled temper is losing the esteem of your partner, and setting such an example before your children portend the danger that they would lose their respect for you and their own personalities would suffer as the result of the unhappy home environment. It had been observed that a person is most apt to give to temper when life is stormy and all seems against him, that is when he resorts more to anger. On such occasions his store of nervous energy and his ability to exercise self-control is at low ebb. You should therefore adopt the definite policy of delaying the settlement of any difficulty until such time as you are calm. The control of grievances which tend to build up in a person’s mind until he finally becomes very angry, that he imagines all kinds of retaliation. This pent-up antagonism is a potent producer of trouble and should be dissipated before one finds occasion to take his partner to task. One of the best ways of relieving this pent-up emotion is to engage in some profitable and enjoyable physical exercise. Visiting of friends and taking a walk can work wonders and making you more tolerant of those who have provoked you. Every time you succeed in controlling your temper you break the chain that enslaved you.

In order to help create a happy home, wives should treat their husbands kindly and avoid rebuttal whenever they felt ill at ease and tempted to a fit of anger. This is not with the thought of giving in to his whim, but simply in recognition of the principle that when an angry outburst is met with calmness and patience, the flurry of anger soon passes, curbing the tempted one to regain his composure and consider the immediate situation impartially and unemotionally. It is reasonable to suppose that many of the marital tragedies have occurred when the parties concerned were in the troughs of their temperamental cycles. This is the time that life appears most gloomy. This is the time when couples are less tolerant of each other. This is the time when divorce proceedings are initiated. This is the time when, for no provocation at all, a young lady may tell her suitor not to call again. If people would delay their important decisions until their moods shift to their optimistic phases, there would not be so many lovers jilted, and there would not be so many divorces and separations. Moods have an important bearing on the relationships within the home. When a husband is in the depressed phase of his temperamental cycle, he is less tolerant of his wife than when he feels elated. The same thing goes for the wife. It is bad enough when just one of them at a time feels downcast. But when husband and wife get the blues on the same day, things are in danger of becoming pretty stormy. The cultivation of a sense of humor is one of the most effective way of combating this situation. If the habit of seeing the funny side of things is built up during the crests of one’s temperamental waves, it will carry over the troughs of these same waves and help the couple maintain an even keel. The trick of seeing the funny side of things works very well in controlling depressed moods. But to develop the conviction that you are capable of rising above life’s vicissitudes is a way to provide the stimulus for a happier outlook. The only wise course is to decide in favor of buoyancy and optimism. Another way to maintain temperamental poise is to resolve that moods will never interfere with your usual way of life. The natural tendency is to suspend activities when you feel depressed. Happy home have been created by couples that have learned to control themselves. The control of anger is the ability to analyze the causes of your difficulty rather than to react with a fit of anger. Anger is like a parasite that grows with the growth of the supporting body, and, like a parasite, it can be killed by separation and crushing.

HAPPY MARRIAGE

May all who watch your marriage Find commitment May the fire of devotion To each other light their ways May the footprints the you leave Lead them to believe in happy marriage And the lives you live Inspire them to obey "Till death do us part."

COMMUNICATION: KEY TO SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

H. Norman Wright defines communication as, “Communication is a process (either verbal or nonverbal) of sharing information with another person in such a way that he (or she) understands what you are saying. Talking and listening and understanding are all involved in the process of communication.” Everyone was born with one mouth and two ears –the basic tools for communication. Therefore must use them properly for effective communication. When you are married, you must communicate well with your spouse for things to go well. Most of the women have little difficulty talking. Often the problem is not just talking, but talking too much, while most men seem to talk less believing this is manly. You must speak to each other freely about anything. The feeling, “I won’t tell my wife how discouraged I feel today, I am a man. She must not think that I can’t handle my problems,” must be done away with. It is amazing that many couples fail to communicate. They stay in the same house, but rarely discuss ways of making their marriage more fulfilling. A lot of needs, aspirations, and dreams lives within you; to share them with your partner are very important. Couples who develop balanced relationships share their hopes and dreams. You need to be consistent with communicating how you feel. However, Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” We should not speak demeaning words that will hurt your spouse. Honest communication allows people to understand and see your emotions. Your spouse can understand and respond more effectively if they are provided some information about how you want to be treated. It is vital to be able to communicate your feelings to your spouse. Clear and honest communicators make ideal marriage partners. You spend much time wishing for things to be done in a particular way yet you never express your wishes. Good communication includes delivering your intentions to your partner. You want your partner to understand you better, spend time to explain to him what you want. You want your partner to treat you in a certain way, tell him how you want to be treated, so that he’ll know what you want. Sheri and Bob Stritof wrote, “You need more than love for a successful marriage. You also need communication, respect, trust, humor, honesty, and commitment.” At times as you discuss some vital issue, you may disagree and quarrel especially about money. Don’t give up. David and Claudia Arp say, “It takes time to communicate, to work through conflict, and to build a creative love life.” Communication is the key. Communication throughout marriage is important. Each partner should endeavor to acquire the art of expressing clearly and effectively his ideas, so that his partner may comprehend them easily and with as little effort as possible. Communication is a two-way process. We facilitate communication when we learn to become good listeners. Before you can understand your partner’s point of view you need to be a good listener as well as talker.

This is not a reason to stop communicating; you should continue talking until you reach agreement. Do not allow quarrel kill your communication. Instead, discuss all aspects that are important to your mutual happiness and continue until you reach a decision. When you communicate effectively, you open the doors of your hearts, allowing yourselves to see the other’s feelings. The resultant effect is that your joys are more because the happiness of one is now the happiness of the other. And your burdens will be reduced since they are now shared by an understanding partner. Listening is a skill most people haven’t cultivated. Of Wright’s three elements of communication –talking, listening, and understanding; listening is usually the trouble area. Instead of patiently hearing what your spouse have to say, most people can hardly wait until their spouses stop talking before intervening. Failing to listen to your spouse constitute a terrible impediment to communication, which can sink the marriage boat. Though, it is a known fact that human personality is fundamentally selfish and self-centered. The thought of listening to their wives’ views to some husbands is unwelcome. But the ability to get along well with other people require that you, in the process of acquiring maturity, have brought your natural tendency to self-centeredness into such control that you do not infringe on the rights and comfort of others especially your wife or your husband. You can’t know what your spouse’s feelings are without effective communication. To properly listen is to take time to digest the content of the message because when we openly and patiently listen to our spouses, we truly learn from them. In view of the intimacy required in marriage, it is especially important that the couples subdue their tendencies toward thinking only of their personal interests. Practically, all difficulties occurring between husbands and wives can be traced back to the failure on the part of one or the other properly to subdue his personal cravings to the advancement of their mutual desires and interests. Marriage is a matter of give and talk. Couples must make compromise and not insist on having their own ways all the time. The effective control of self-centeredness distinguishes an individual whose personality is mature and well-balanced from another individual who is still infantile and unprepared to meet the demands which life has placed upon him. One great help in the establishment of a down-to earth philosophy which helps a couple to accept each other in a realistic way is the ability to communicate. The ability of the couple to share joke can help in no small measure to build closeness. A sense of humor is as necessary in marriage as is oil to the smooth operation of an engine. But some husbands are arrogant and do not have much sense of humor. Some claim to be very busy. No matter how busy you are tried to communicate with your wife. In course of living together a husband or a wife often expresses his thoughts without censorship. A partner without a sense of humor may easily misconstrue the intent of an innocent remark. Just such a trivial matter as a husband making a jovial remark may be the beginning of a dispute in which damaging words are exchanged. But with a sense of humor the wife gives her husband the benefit of doubt and assumes that the motive of his remark is only friendly, than trying to beat him at his own game. Therefore she dismisses his remark as a bit of innocent fun. An innocent joke will break the tension of almost any misunderstanding between a husband and wife. A little attention given to the technique of being jovial will work advantageously in both directions. If the wife is in the trough of her emotional waves, her husband’s sense of humor can help her to turn the tide. If it is the husband who is feeling his inadequacy, the wife’s calling attention to the funny side may help him to see that life is interesting and worth living even though he has not quite reached the perfection he had envisaged.

You might have spoken clearly and your spouse may have listened intently, but if he doesn’t understand the message, you have not communicated effectively. There are some reasons why your message might not have made the required impact. When you speak there may be difference between what you mean to say and what you actually said. The idea may be clear in your head, but the words you choose to express the idea may be inappropriate or inadequate. Feeling hurt is another barrier to communication. Self-confidence, in itself, is desirable and necessary to achieve success. But when self-confidence is carried too far and drives a person along the course of his own choosing without proper regard for the rights of others, it becomes a definite handicap to family happiness. Such a person leaves destruction in his wake. And the other person may feel hurt. The unfortunate thing is that the egotist’s philosophy becomes distorted to the point that he really believes that his course of action is correct, in spite of his disregard for others, and so he does not make an effort to consider the feelings of those around him. In order to keep peace with himself, as he forces his way through life, the macho man resorts to some very peculiar ways of reasoning. One of these involves an unwillingness to accept the blame for whatever mishaps that may occur. The tendency to project the blame on the partner crops up frequently in married life. If the husband tends to be too self-assertive, it is quite natural for him to blame his wife for delaying him so long at home that he missed an important associate. The wife who is wise will be able to see beyond her husband’s unfair criticisms and to realize that he is just reacting in a normal way; that being somehow egoistical, it would be painful for him to accept the blame for his shortcomings. She does not need to submit meekly to injustices but can successfully take recourse to her sense of humor, by which at an opportune time, she can playfully turn the tables on her egoistical husband. The tendency to transfer resentments and disappointments from one individual to the other is such a common human trait that a husband may take it out on his wife, when he returns from a strenuous day at the office. Or the wife may take it out on the husband after she had had an especially hard time trying to keep up with the mischievous children. This is because communication was neglected. This kind of marriage will become boring. To ensure that your marriage is romantic, the man must not become too busy earning money that he fails to communicate with his wife. And the wife must not get so busy that she neglects communicating with her husband. Many times your intentions are not pursued by actions or words that would make them possible. To be able to communicate well; • Learn from your mistakes and be willing to change your communication pattern if you have been guilty of hindering communication in your family. • Always maintain respect for your spouse when communicating your differences. It is in order to disagree, but not to disrespect your partner. • It takes a lot of effort from husbands and wives to become good communicators. So make some effort in communicating well so as not to be misunderstood. • Don’t interrupt your partner; hear him/her out even if it take some time for him or her to communicate.

S.A.G.E MUSIC GROUP.: You know Mo'chi right!!?

S.A.G.E MUSIC GROUP.: You know Mo'chi right!!?: mo'chi with skales  Mo'chi like he's popularly called is a young talented most desirable Nigerian upcoming rapper from Benin-...

When Your Marriage Was Successful Losing Your Spouse Can Be Traumatic

“Hello! Mom, are you home?” Cynthia shouted as she returned from the church. No one answered, but there was a shuffling sound coming from the rear of the house. Not a threatening sound, yet it was alarming given that the door was open and no one was around. Cynthia Mba walked through the living room, turning on the light as she entered. Mary Mba was sitting on the floor, a pair of antique doll in her lap. She didn’t look up immediately, and when she did, she seemed startled, like a sheep caught in the glare of oncoming headlights. “Mom?” Cynthia said, a muscle fluttering in her neck. “Aren’t they just lovely?” she asked, her voice softer than it normally tended to be. “They don’t make dolls like these anymore, you know. I’ll have to hide them, or your dad might break them. He’s always so angry. I don’t understand why he’s so angry these days.” A chill of foreboding crept along Cynthia’s spine. “Daddy is dead, mom. Don’t you remember?” When her husband died she wept ceaselessly. She couldn’t be consoled. She had not only lost a husband but her best friend, confidant, protector, provider and reliable man. She wished they died the same day. In order to be able to continue to live, she had made herself to belief that he was still alive, probably on a long journey from which he would eventually return. She made a move to rise, and Cynthia reached out to help her. “Mom, is everything all right? No one’s out in front, and the door was opened.” “Good heavens! What time is it? I’d better hurry and get dinner ready before your father returns from the office.” Cynthia drew a deep breath and, reaching out, took her mother’s hand. “I told you that daddy is dead.” “I’m so sorry, dear. I’m dreadfully sorry. I just don’t want to believe he’s actually gone forever. Forgive me.” Cynthia tightened the grip on her mother’s hand with her left, patting it gently with her right in an effort to calm her. “There’s nothing to forgive. Nothing at all.”

Cynthia moved into the living room and switched the television on with the remote to listen to the news. “Marriage is a commitment involving two people who choose to be deeply dependent on each other. Marriage is a chosen act –a process involving a person’s will and desire. Oneness between a husband and wife is a process that happens over a period of time. Becoming one can be a very hard process. It is not easy to change from being independent and self-centered to sharing aspect of your life with another person. But this is what Mr. and Mrs. Mba had achieved but Mr. Mba departed this world. They married when they were in their 20s and remained happily married till Mr. Mba dies a fortnight ago. He died at the ripe age of 95 years and they were married for 73 years. They actually practiced God’s injunction of “Till death do us.” We want to express our profound condolences to Mrs. Mba, his widow and their daughter, Cynthia Mba, who is our staff on the dead of her beloved father. May his soul rest in peace.” As she listened to the news, Mrs. Roberta James came in. “How are you Cynthia? Where is your mother?” “She has retired to her bedroom.” Mary had retired to her bedroom, but was unable to rest. Above their quiet conversation, the sound of footsteps, on the floor could be heard –forward and backward, forward and backward –a short pause, and forward and backward. Mrs. James gaze drifted toward the bedroom door. Cynthia could tell she was worried. “Did you speak to her about this?” “I tried. Cynthia sighed. “She assured me she’s fine, but I can tell the death of my father has depressed her. If you could have seen the look on her face when I found her, you’ll understand what I mean. I’ve never seen her like that.” She stopped, unwilling to add her own concerns to Mrs. James’. Mrs. James had been Mary’s friend for over ten years. “I have seen it, child. My own mother’s mind got weak after my father’s death. It was hard thing to live with, and I had my sisters to share the burden, and to cry with. You’re all alone in this, aren’t you?” “I’m fine, really. What she didn’t say was that she was shaken. Her mother had always been the one steady force in her life. Her safety net. No matter what happened, no matter how bad things become, her mother was there to support her, to give advice, and love, and the thought of her present condition was terrifying. “Don’t you go trying to sweep this under the carpet? You better take her to see a doctor,” Mrs. James advised. “Tomorrow,” Cynthia said, hugging Mrs. James. “Thank you for being here. I appreciate it, and I know she does, too.”

“What are old friends for?” Mrs. James said with a sad smile. “Listen, don’t to see a doctor, tomorrow.”

DON'T SHOW FAVORITISM TO ANY OF YOUR CHILD

Every child resembles each of his parents in many ways. It may be that the child In families where there are several children, relationship often becomes strained because parents show favoritism to one child above another. Children are quick to detect evidences of favoritism, but there is little the child can do about it. Parents should caution each other occasionally, however, regarding the possibility of permitting such a condition to develop and exist in their home. The basis for favoritism may date back to circumstances preceding the birth of the child, or may depend on some of the child’s personality traits, by which the parent becomes more sympathetic with one child than another. Father and mother have equal parts to play in determining the hereditary make-up of a child. Therefore looks like his father, but it may also be that he has a disposition like that of his mother. Certain of his features resembles those of his father and others those of his mother. Even the way the child thinks and reacts depend quite on the traits that the child has inherited. Some parents tend to love the child that looks or behave like them more. Before doing something for one child, the parent should ask himself, “Am I in a position to do this same thing, or its equivalent for the other children? if the answer is no, the parent should change his plans so that all children may be treated alike. The showing of favoritism is harmful to children. it is harmful both to the child who is favored and to the child against whom there is discrimination. The favored child, as he approaches maturity, may have learned to be so dependent upon

dependent upon the parent who has been overindulgent that he is poorly prepared to meet the realities of life. The discriminated child, on the other hand, may have developed the feeling that he is inferior to his brother or his sister, and so become victim of an inferiority complex. Partiality among the children also has its undesirable effects on the relationship of one parent with the other. Often each parent will select a favorite from among the children, the mother selecting the child that the father does not favor and vice versa. The situation causes strained relations between the parents, just as it does between the children. Even when the favored child leaves home, the rivalries and antagonism which have been developed between parents and other children may be difficult to resolve that the parents will no longer find each other’s companionship desirable. In some cases the expectant mother worries about whether the child will be normal. Another consideration of serious nature especially in undeveloped countries of the world, which provokes consideration speculation, is whether the child will be a boy or a girl. There is now scientific means of determining which it will be. The prospective parents can then go for scanning to remove the suspense. There have been cases, of course, in which either the husband or the wife centered so much expectation on the child being a boy or a girl that it was with difficulty that the disappointed parent became reconciled to the circumstance. In isolated cases these disappointments have carried on even into the later years of the child’s life leading to discrimination. It is unfortunate as well as foolish, therefore, that a parent should even harbor the thought of resentment against a child who happens to be of a different sex than he preferred.

For those who insist that their child must be a son they should take note that when the word, “greatness” is mentioned, Mrs. Golda Meir’s name immediately comes to the forefront. Her commitment to her country and her people was the paragon of patriotism. Born 1898 in Kiev, in then USSR, she ended up as the one of the greatest Prime Minister, Israel ever had. She voluntarily resigned from office in 1973. The great women called it quit when the ovation was still loud. It is long women began to inch their way up the social, political, and economic ladder, but recently there have been tremendous increase in such attainment. Germany has a woman Chancellor right now, the first in the country in person of Angela Merkel. Michelle Bachehlet has been elected the Chilean President. Nigeria has two female Supreme Court Justices. The first to be appointed was Honorable Justice Mariam Aloma Mukhtar, and was later followed be Honorable Justice Olufunlola Oyelola. Mrs. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf won a significant victory to become the President of Liberia, Africa’s first female President. The lists of successful women are endless. With the facts before us is there any reason to discriminate against the girl child? There are equally endless lists of successful men, so there is no reason to discriminate against male children either. Whatever be the sex of your child get him or her properly trained and you will have no regret whatsoever. Both sexes are capable of greatness. Greatness is not a preserve of one sex.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HONEYMOON

The honeymoon is the short transition period between marriage and the establishment of a home. Many features of courtship still blend into this period. At the same time many features of established home life begins during this period. Before the wedding, young couple usually has the blissful picture in their minds of having a lovely time with each other during honeymoon. During courtship there are still some restraints so couple looks forward to this time when they will be able to devote themselves unreservedly to each other. They anticipate the time when they will be liberated from the restrictions which society places on unmarried couples. During honeymoon therefore there is the development of boundless joy of belonging to each other. During courtship the young couple expression takes the form of many lovely acts of thoughtfulness which serve to amplify, emphasize, and illustrate the extent of their love for each other. But the complete expression of love between a young man and a young woman awaits the honeymoon when divinely ordained physical expression can take place. Honeymoon provides a proper and thrilling release for the pent-up tensions and urges that have increased throughout the courtship period. During the honeymoon when the newly wedded couple enters their bedroom, their hearts are full of joy. This is the time they have been waiting for. Before marriage some couples had been tempted to have sex, but they resisted the urge. Some succumbed to the desire. Now, the long awaited day has come.

and families approve. Sex is a wedding gift from God. In planning a honeymoon attention should be given to certain principles that have a direct bearing on determining whether the honeymoon will accomplish, what it is intended to accomplish in providing a proper setting for the adjustments which should be made during this period. The honeymoon experience sets the standard of what follows in the family life of the young couple. When planning the honeymoon it is very important that serious consideration is made for the newly wed to be absolutely alone, at least during the first few days of the wedding. This implies that their time should be spent away from the immediate environment in which they have friends and acquaintances. Many people believe in long trips and strenuous travel for their honeymoon but this should rather be avoided so as not to wear out the newly wed. With respect to the amount of time that should be allowed for the honeymoon, there is a possibility of going to extremes in either direction. A short honeymoon will not provide enough time for the young couple to do justice to each other in blending their personalities into a harmonious unit. When the honeymoon is too long it gives room for boredom to set in; this can lead to disagreements.

Marriage should be set at a time when adequate time can be set aside for the honeymoon. It is also important that enough funds should be available so that provision can be made for an enjoyable honeymoon. The global tour which wealthy people favor has many disadvantages. It requires that the young couple remain too long in the public eye. It is strenuous to plan, and usually requires such a long period of time as to risk the couple actually becoming tired of each other. A honeymoon that lasts as much as three months without any productive activities thwarts the purpose in the natural restlessness and anxiety that comes from long separation from everyday normal activities. The emotional readjustments at the time of the honeymoon are greater in the case of the bride than they are in that of the bridegroom. Seldom does marriage greatly change the man’s way of life as sharply as it does that of the wife’s. If the husband has been employed prior to his marriage the chances are that he will continue in the same employment after marriage. If the bride has been employed prior to marriage, however, it most likely she may relocate to her husband’s place of aboard if they were not in the place which will necessitate her changing job. Or she may devote herself entirely to homemaking after the wedding and honeymoon is over. When the man resumes his usual employment after the honeymoon, it is only natural that during the long hours the woman spends at home alone, she will become so lonely as to wonder whether the marriage means as much to her husband as it does to her. During this transition period the new husband should become familiar with the duties of the household. This not only gives him greater insight into the problems of maintaining a home but also gives her the reassurance that their home is of mutual interest and concern. What the newly wed couple should realize, however, is that the deeper satisfactions and genuine happiness of a properly adjusted marriage develop slowly over a period of time. And this involves a mutual willingness to forgo personal preferences and see things from each other’s viewpoint. With mutual regard and appreciation for the efforts that are being spent toward the maintenance of the family and the home, neither partner will be unsympathetic or too demanding. Tolerance will take the place of drawing of hasty decisions; and a desire to contribute to the happiness of the home will far outweigh those little feelings of jealousy and hurt pride which often serves as a nucleus around which misunderstandings develop.

EFFECT OF COURTSHIP IN MARRIAGE

Courtship is the period which an unmarried couple becomes personally and intimately acquainted with each other. It is during this period that the final decisions are made for or against the marriage. It is an interesting period because if the special friendship continues into marriage, the habits, customs and attitudes established during this period will set the pace for the type of relationship of later life. During the period of courtship, lovers should be able to decide on the advisability of their taking the solemn vows of marriage. Prior to courtship, a young man and a young woman have attracted themselves, largely on the basis of casual observations and exterior appearances. Some might have admired each other secretly for a longer or shorter period, this admiration being based on chance meetings and casual conservations rather than on proper knowledge of each other’s personalities. It is not uncommon for young couples to begin their courtship even before they are actually engaged to be married. In fact, it is desirable that their friendship should continue on the basis of a general understanding for a period of time before the young man actually proposes. The practice of young men marrying girls they rarely know well except for recommendations of relations is dangerous and should be discouraged. The early part of courtship is a period in which there should be an experiencing and demonstration of common interests. The time spent together should be spent on formal and informal social occasions. It is advisable for the girl to see her fiancé in working clothes and for the young man to become accustomed to his fiancée in a kitchen apron. Reasonable emphasis should be placed on the practical everyday life. A courtship

which is carried out while the young people live very far apart and see each other once in a blue moon is naturally artificial and risky. Practical setting for courtship is not possible in this circumstance. But where courtship is unavoidably artificial, the period of courtship should be prolonged more than those cases where it is possible for the lovers to develop their friendship in an everyday setting. Every normal, serious-minded young boy or girl should be sure in advance that his choice of a life partner is a wise one and that he has exercised reasonable precautions in avoiding such a friendship that might endanger his happiness. As friendship develops, certain traits of character and factors of personality are likely to become apparent. Doubts may arise as to whether the friendship is an ideal one and the young person should at this time try to re-evaluate the friendship as impartially as possible. Although, it is unwise to terminate a friendship brashly, because some human traits have manifested, every human being possesses certain fault of personality. The question we need to ask ourselves however is if the unsuspected trait or fault of personality is of sufficient magnitude to interfere with the progress of the courtship. Sometimes anyway, a young person may be so alarmed by observing faults in the personality of the fiancé/fiancée that the friendship has been terminated. Many people in this vain search for the perfect husband or the perfect wife, allowed the opportunities for a desirable marriage to finally pass. As courtship progresses, there should be no deep, dark secrets of things which in any way that may threaten the esteem of your partner. People who consider marriage need to learn to share their aspirations and dreams about who they want to become. They should express hopes about their future and exchange potential goals about what they hope to

accomplish in marriage and in life. They should discuss such important issues as whether or not they want to be parents and how many children they would want to have. The willingness to share opinions is a mark of trust in your relationship and an important contribution toward a clear understanding of one another. Absolute trust and fidelity should be maintained. Courtship however, is final step toward marriage and therefore constitutes the most important preparation for marriage.

TENURE ELONGATION -EXCERPT FROM DECADENCE AND POWER

One of the knotty points they encountered was the National Electoral Commission, Vincent Okoye. After the gaming had been nearly perfected, the caucus including Fox who at this time had assumed the unofficial headship of the project started reaching out to various sectors and interest groups whose roles would be vital to the actualization of the third term project. When it was time to reach NEC, these tenure elongation strategists encountered a near hitch which however took the intervention of Fox to clear. “The president is going to run again, of course, and when he does, he wants your support,” Mr. Fix-It said. “So why won’t Fox do the right thing by going home gracefully when his tenure expires?” Vincent Okoye asked. He still sometimes wondered if by choosing the path of maintaining his integrity, he had done the right thing. He was aware that Fox was likely to succeed taking the greed and gullibility of many politicians into reckoning. And if that be the case, fox would be in a position to punish anyone who had worked against his interest. And to reward those that had been helpful. “Professor, you don’t understand. The matter is not as simple as that,” Mr. Fix-It replied. Vincent Okoye was a professor in the university before he was appointed to be the Chairman of National Electoral Commission (NEC). “How? Most of our past leaders had attempted to over stay their welcome in office. But invariably all came out bruised in that effort. General Gowon told Nigerians that “1976 is not realistic” and was overthrown. When Babangida arrived at the scene, he started his unending transition process. When the heat became unbearable, he stepped aside. General Abacha was trying to change his army uniform for political garment (babariga) before he died. Nothing would have prevented him from transforming himself into life president. Now Fox is seeking for tenure extension. He should not mistake the silence of our people for acquiescence or weakness and the cacophony of the greedy and opportunistic people who parade the corridors of power as representative of the true feelings of the people. He was not elected to subvert the democratic process. Any of them, who advises him to extend the tenure of his administration, even for one day, have betrayed the trust of the people and is therefore a betrayer of the country’s democratic process, ” Vincent Okoye said.

“Mr. President is only out to do us a favor. At seventy years of age, the last thing he wants to do is further exert himself, ruling this difficult nation. But it is a call to duty by the people to save the nation from scoundrels angling to plunge her once again into the medieval chaos it had been in past years before he became president,” Mr. Fix-It said. “I hope you are not suggesting that this government has got the nation out of the huge woods in which it has been into a path of progress?” Vincent Okoye asked. “That’s ultimately what I’m saying and there are proofs.” “But let’s look at it critically. Would you say in all honesty, that the country is anywhere near the end of the tunnel? Is there any hard proof that the material condition of her citizens is significantly better today that it was a few years ago?” “I don’t know why you are behaving in such an undignified manner. The truth is that this presidency has unleashed forces which if properly harnessed will surely make Nigeria assume her rightful place in the comity of developed nations. A more rigorous analysis of the policies and actions of this presidency will show that. They may not be obvious to the unschooled, but only to seasoned political analysts,” Mr. Fix-It insisted. “Well, I don’t agree with you. But even if it is so that doesn’t justify the desperate push to amend the constitution as it affects presidential office. Like most Nigerians, I consider it exceedingly perfidious, indeed obscene. Whatever good the president might have done will be wiped out if he goes ahead to force himself on Nigerians. For me it is dishonest, unconscionable and self-serving,” Vincent Okoye said. Mr. Fix-It was a man who prided himself on maintaining an iron discipline over his emotions. He had learned at a tender age never to let his emotions surface for the world to take advantage of. “Let me tell you what you may not like to hear. The tenure extension will be carried out within the law and nothing can stop it. The press may yell all it wants against the plan but I do not think it will scuttle it. A year from now, those who are stridently opposed to the plan will realize their mistake.” Vincent Okoye was speechless, not able to take in what he was hearing. “Please, please, save me that uppity stuff. I would, of course, imagine that the messianic complex of Mr. President is a common disease among African leaders. They always believe there are the only persons who understand what is wrong with their respective countries, and the only ones who have the answer. Nothing can be more arrogant or is there?” “That is not what I’m saying…” “But that is what you imply,” he interjected. “Well, let me explain myself.” “Please do.” “You will agree with me that the Nigerian situation is quite a critical one. The economy is in the intensive care unit. The slightest mistake in attending to it can lead to a collapse altogether. Those who really care for the survival of this nation considered all these when they advised that the president’s term in office be constitutionally extended to enable him put the ailing comatose economy at least in stable condition before he quits.” “Come on, I hope you are not suggesting that the president must be personally be there to implement every policy he authored?” Vincent Okoye asked. “Not necessarily. Just that we are in a particular situation. The radical reforms introduced by Mr. President need careful nurturing and he is the best person to do so.” “Don’t you think that a president’s job is never completely done? And that this is why, every president must strive to build strong institutions to protect good policies from being arbitrarily upturned.” “That is right but it is not exactly the same in this circumstance.”

“Well, if you must hear this, let me say that the bid of the president to extend his tenure by all means is in itself an admission of failure of this administration. If after eight years, the president cannot trust his successor to carry through whatever good policies he may be leaving behind, then it shows that he was unable to build the right institutional framework to sustain such policies. This is to say nothing of grooming the right kind of person as possible successor.” “You’re letting your obsession with textbook political theories cloud your common sense. The matter is more complex than that. A lot more is involved and you may not understand, unless you have certain kind of information. What our nation needs now is not chance taking. It needs a tested leader who has learnt over the years what it would take to fix the many problems of the nation.” “I guise a tested leader is one who is able to fix something as simple as electricity supply. In several years, the country’s power supply situation has moved from bad to worse. And there is no indication that it will get better in the foreseeable future. Is that a good performance index for a tested leader? Look at the sleaze in the nation’s oil industry.” “Professor, those are not the issue now.” “So what is the issue if provision of infrastructures is not? Were you not arguing a while ago that he has done well? Yet, the facts hardly support that position. In any case, even if it does, the unrelenting opposition to this unjustified tenure extension ought to make those of you pushing it to back down. The whole essence of democracy is for the people to choose their leader.” “It may be. But have you taken a look at those who are warming up for the next election? How ideologically barren they are? Think of their antecedents. Are those the kind of people that should take over the leadership of this nation at a time like this?” “So what kind of people is the president prepared to hand over to if he does not like those who have so far announced their presidential ambition? You should at least know, given your place in this administration?” “I don’t know, but would you like him to hand over to any of the scoundrels masquerading as presidential aspirants?” “But whom has the president groomed? Or are you saying he is so self-centered he has not thought of grooming anybody to continue his self-declared economic miracles after his tenure?” “Some of you just choose not to understand the president’s fear for this potentially great country that he has sacrificed so much for.” “I wish that there is really something to understand in this matter. All I want to say is that Mr. President should do the right thing even if it is hard for him. It will earn him a better niche in history. Or you don’t think so?” “I do. However, the president owes a duty to the nation not to allow political jackals hijack the presidency.” “I agree, but this is not synonymous with defying the tenure limit.” Mr. Fix-It was a slim, black old man of eight five. Now he pursed his lips as though it tried his patience to deal with folks obviously less intelligent than himself. He was the chairman of Board of Trustee and acted as if he knew everything. Some politicians made fun of him, but he had his admirers, the president was one. “You can’t stop him,” Mr Fix-It interjected, waving away his protest.

JUDGMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION CASE BY NIGER DELTA COMMUNITIES AGAINST ORIENT PETROLEUM DEVELOPMENT COMPANY

On May 10, Chief Conference Kalama, Chief Dickson Bekinbo, Prince Godsday Dakoru returned to court for further hearing to their suit against Orient Petroleum Development Company. Raymond Smith representative of Greenpeace was also in the court. The plaintiffs wanted the oil firm to clean-up the pollution in their communities, repair and maintain defective pipelines to prevent further damages, and pay compensations to them for the destruction of their means of livelihood. The firm had consistently denied responsibility and refused to clean-up the sites. It also refused to pay compensations. “Through its action, Orient has demonstrated disdain for the wellbeing of communities that suffer due to imparts of its reckless exploitation of oil in Niger Delta. The company knew for a long time its pipeline was damaged but did not do anything even when it could have stopped the leaking pipes,” Raymond Smith, the representative of Greenpeace in Nigeria testified in the court. The case was filed in 2007 and had passed through a lot of legal hurdles, ostensibly set up by Orient. The suit had also gone through several judges due to transfers, and started afresh severally. “The communities were badly contaminated from spills which occurred in the communities in 2007. The pollution damaged 43 fish ponds, killed all the fish and rendered the ponds useless. Once-rich alluvial soils of our community are no longer viable for crops as more than a half-century of oil production and related damages continue to take a toll. Our fishing grounds have also been destroyed. We had to move away from our communities because if we caught fish and opened it up, we found oil; if we harvested cassava; we found it soaked with crude oil. The odor of crude oil was omnipresent and everything from drinking water to food was tainted with crude oil. Since then, we have been living by God’s grace and on the help of Good Samaritans,” Chief Conference Kalama said during cross examination. “The company had paid its part for the cleaning up of Niger Delta which amounted to more than 50 billion naira. There were 198 oil spills at Orient facilities in the Niger Delta in 2007, releasing 26,000 barrels of oil into the region; only 37 incidents were caused by operational failure. But the affected communities insisted that the number of barrels spilled from operational failure as reported by Orient was a far-cry from the actual amount of oil spilled and made ridiculous and outrageous

claims,” Paul Odion, Orient lawyer leading a team of Orient lawyers complained. “However, oil pollution is a problem in Nigeria, affecting the daily lives of people in the Niger Delta. The vast majority of oil pollution is caused by oil thieves and illegal refiners. Their operations cause major environmental and economic damage, and are really responsible for the tragedy in the Niger Delta,” Paul Odion continued. “For Orient, no oil spill is acceptable and my client is working hard to improve its performance on operational spills. In the past years, we have seen a decline in operational spill volumes. These spills, however, were caused by sabotage and we are asking the court, quite rightly, to dismiss the claims. Orient has made great efforts to raise awareness of the issue with the government of Nigeria, international bodies like the United Nations, the media and non-governmental organizations. My client will continue to be at the forefront of discussions to find solutions,” Paul Odion concluded. “A total of 16,083 pipeline breaks were recorded within the total of 10 years, while 398 pipeline breaks were caused by operational failure, the activities of unpatriotic vandals accounted for 15,685. The incessant attacks on the Trans Forcados Pipeline, (TFP) has rendered it impossible to evacuate crude oil/condensate from some Orient operated facilities,” deputy managing director said when he was cross examined. “The NNPC has spent over $42.952m to execute a two-phase repair work which started in September 2007 on 74 damaged points in System 2C-1 Escravos-Warri Crude Oil Pipelines to enable the startup of the Warri and Kaduna refineries. 8,105 breaks were recorded along the System 2E within the period representing about 50.3% of the total number of petroleum products pipeline breaks in the country. The attacks left the NNPC with a cost of 78.15 billion naira in product losses and pipeline repairs,” the group managing director of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) told the court. “The system 2A product pipeline route which conveys products from Warri-Benin-Suleja/Ore depots rank second on the scale of pipeline break points with 3,259 cases representing about 20.2% of the total volume of products pipeline breaks in Nigeria. The figure also comes with a loss of over 20.39 billion naira in products and pipeline repairs. “The System 2B which carries products from the Atlas Cove-Mosimi-Satellite-Ibadan-Ilorin depots recorded 2,440 breaks leading to a loss of over 73.6 billion in products and pipeline repairs,” the group managing director of NNPC testified. “Niger Delta residents have never stopped complaining about the pollution of their farmland and waterways. We are ready to collaborate with the communities to hold the oil companies accountable for environmental damages because there is still a lot of oil lying around. These communities need to be cleaned up and compensated for the damage to their environment and their means of livelihood. Oil companies in Nigeria should adhere to the same standard as in the developed world,” Greenpeace representative, Raymond Smith said. The court held that Orient broke the law by not repairing leaks that destroyed the water for fishermen and fish farmers and the lands of the farmers.

“Orient wanted to pretend this was sabotage, but even it is, it is its responsibility to clean up the environment and pay compensation to those affected. This is why it has to pay something to the plaintiffs. I want to leave it to the company and the plaintiff to negotiate the amount, but where they fail to agree, this court will have to determine the compensation,” the Judge ruled. This was the first time that an oil company was being held responsible for failing to prevent sabotage. “This win has set a precedent, as it will be an important step that multi-nationals can be made more answerable for the damage they do in developing countries. We anticipate other communities in the Niger Delta will demand that oil companies pay for the assault on their environment,” Raymond Smith told Tosin Thomas, outside the court after the judgment. “Orient will negotiate the amount of damages with the plaintiffs. And it’ll pay compensation. We didn’t lose the case. It was not operational failure,” Paul Odion told Tosin Thomas. “It is sweet victory since over 50 years of oil exploration and exploitation in the Niger Delta. I think this will be a lesson for Orient and other oil companies not to damage people’s means of livelihood,” Chief Dickson Bekinbo said. The ruling had made it possible for other aggrieved Nigerians who suffered losses due to oil companies’ activities to seek judicial redress.

EXCERPT OF NIGER DELTA MILITANTS: Niger Delta Communities Take Oil Company to Court

For oil spillage which allegedly destroyed their means of livelihood, Raymond Smith, an environmentalist assisted some fishing communities in Bayelsa State, to sue oil giant, Orient Petroleum Development Company, demanding compensation of nine billion naira. In a suit at the Federal High Court in Port Harcourt, they claimed the spillage occurred on April 2007, and adversely affected their means of livelihood. The plaintiffs, Chief Conference Kalama, Chief Dickson Bekinbo, and Prince Godsday Dakoru filed the suit in 2007 on behalf of registered fishing cooperative societies and 272 fishing communities and villages on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean.

They also sued on behalf of fishermen on the banks of the estuaries, creeks and rivers of the coastal region of Bayelsa State. The suit had gone through several judges due to transfers and started afresh severally. The plaintiffs said they made 99 per cent of their income from fishing and fish farming. The water was pivotal to the life support systems of the plaintiffs and also fundamental to their socio-economic wellbeing. On February 23, 2007, the pipelines they alleged ruptured resulting in the spilling of over 7.6 million liters of crude oil into the Atlantic Ocean. The spill, the plaintiffs said, did not only destroy their source of livelihood, but violated their right to earn a living from natural resources available to them. Orient Petroleum had not taken any action to restore the natural resources destroyed as a result of the spill, they claimed. The plaintiffs were seeking a declaration that the defendant’s continued failure to restore the ecosystem of the lands and waters was unconstitutional and violated their rights to live in an environment favorable to their socio-economic development. The rights, they claimed, were guaranteed by Section 33 of 1999 Nigerian Constitution and articles 22 and 24 of the African Charter on Human and Peoples Rights. The plaintiffs prayed the court to nullify any document purporting to release Orient from paying them due compensation because the document related to an unconscionable bargain which was signed under economic duress and in breach of statutory provisions.

They were praying for an order that the defendants should commence post-impact remediation programs in respect of the plaintiffs’ lands and waters polluted by the defendant’s oil spill and do all such acts and things to clean up the environment of the plaintiffs and restore same to its original state. The plaintiffs were also seeking 8.0 billion as special damages, interest on the amount at 10 per cent per annum from February 20, 2007 until judgment and full payment; 1.0 billion as general damages for alleged infraction of their constitutional and statutory rights, and 10 per cent interest on the sum from the date of judgment, until full payment. Denying the plaintiffs’ claims, the company said while there was a spill, there was no evidence that it caused the damage the plaintiffs were alleging. Orient also questioned a report prepared by an environmental health assessment expert, Mr. Raymond Smith, which purportedly recorded the extent of damaged of the ecosystem. The firm exhibited before the court experts’ reports, which it said proved that the spillage could not have been so damaging as to warrant the suit and damages sought by the defendants. Orient’s lawyer urged the court to dismiss the suit for being gold-digging, frivolous and abuse of process. Justice Ibrahim Daniel adjourned the case till May 10.

IS LIFELONG MARRIAGE OBSOLETE

In most wedding ceremonies, exchange of rings is a very important stage. It is the outward and visible symbol that binds two hearts together. When marriage is falling apart, couples stop wearing the wedding ring. A man confessed that, “When my wife threw her wedding ring at me and angrily walked out of the house slamming the door behind her, I knew our marriage was in serious trouble.” This type of incident is common today when couples are impatient. Happy marriage does not happen automatically. It takes work; but the rewards make the works well worth the effort. What can be said to be the cause of the high rate of divorce in the world today? One of the reasons is the increase in dishonesty. Our material world has made people to move away from seeking the truth. People now lie effortlessly. Honesty is an important quality of anyone who strives to make the most of his or her marriage. Another reason is the lack of integrity. The love of the truth and what is right is the main source of integrity. There is virtually no virtue that does not originate from truth. One who is always fond of making flippant remarks about his spouse and always assuming a carefree demeanor, cannot have a successful marriage as one who bears about him the impression of a man among men by his integrity and decorous bearing. A woman of integrity when in the midst of difficult marital problems, will be able to see where she is, able to understand what the occasion calls for, and able to master her conditions instead of being overwhelmed by them. Throwing in the towel immediately there are challenges is wrong. Trying to justify it with a sorts of excuses is equally wrong. Couples that are married for years disagree but they find ways to agree. It is not possible for a couple to agree in all situations.

The erroneous belief that once you are married, you must be happy and if not you quit should be dicarded. When you took your marital vow, you gave your word to each other that you will do what you say you will do – to love, honor and cherish each other until death. But in reality, many couples don’t follow through. They stay in marriage only when things go smoothly. Once difficulties come, they separate or even divorce claiming, their needs are not being met by their partner; or “We are just incompatible.” Marriage would have been easier if husbands and wives were exactly alike. You are in agreement in every decision. You had nothing to argue about. But this is not natural. If there are no contradictions between you, no checks and balances, no disagreements or second opinions then the relationship is artificial. And artificial things are known to have short life span. Oddly enough, tension can be good thing. It helps marriage to grow strong. The first thing to do is to choose your spouse carefully. Don’t follow, “hit or miss” or “Trial and error” methods in the process you marry the wrong person, hoping someday luck will make the marriage work. I am not recommending, “Jump into the pool and swim or sink.” No sensible person should jump into a deep body of water, without first being proficient in swimming. Nor should any one embark upon marriage without the proper planning and preparation beforehand. Your planning and preparation should include attending marriage lectures in your church before your wedding so that marriage counselor can explain to you what marriage is all about. In addition read books on marriage. There are many good ones to choose from. It is a great thing to form a habit of improving the mind at every opportunity that you get, no matter how short the time or how small the opportunity maybe. Attend marriage seminars and listen to seasoned marriage counselors talk. You will soon recognize with joy the fact that your life has been enormously enriched and blessed. Remember when you took the marital vow; you didn’t say the vow to only your spouse but to God and all present at the wedding. Unfortunately, while God expects you to keep your vow, you fail to fulfill your obligation. You should not be surprised when challenges arose if you had been well counseled before the marriage, because there are normal in all marriages. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Claim of “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for divorce is inexcusable. You cannot just throw in the towel because challenges exist. Every couple has differences because no two persons exactly think alike. God created man and woman differently and they don’t think the same way, especially if they grew up in different environment and different culture. What has become obvious is that you have been unable to overlook your differences, so you gave up. Most of the divorces were probably needless. In other words, these couples didn’t divorce because of serious problem like physical abuse, substance abuse, or infidelity, but rather because if issues such as immaturity, changes in lifestyle, or incompatibility. Their commitment to their marriage vanished when it became inconvenient. You have to persevere through the tough times that are inevitable during blending of personalities, whether you are happy or not. Once you understand yourselves better then happiness will follow. Commitment is the cement that holds marriage together. It is the commitment of a couple to one another and their dedication to their marriage vow that actually seals the covenant made on the wedding day. It may interest you to know that you are not the only couple having marital difficulties. It is not all couples having problems head for the court seeking for divorce so why you. Some of the problems of these people are more complex than yours. No marriage is problem free. Some couples have had their own problems and found solutions; some are still having but still married. Marital difficulties come in all shapes and sizes. It could be financial, insensitivity, sexual problem, and lack of communication, barrenness or infidelity. When you run into marital difficulties first and foremost ask yourself what does God want me to learn from this experience? You can now go further to think of things you can do to complement your spouse’s weaknesses. How you can be a blessing to your spouse in this circumstance instead of a curse. Then look at your husband or wife with compassion and encouragement instead of disgust and frustration. Then you will be a lot happier. Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Most men take things for granted. They are not particularly sensitive to a woman’s feeling. So don’t become a crying baby because of this. Try to communicate to him what you expect. Make a conscious choice to overlook his weaknesses and focus on his strength. Plant in yourself the fundamental belief that marriage is for life, and try to make the best of it.

LIFE IS AN ADVERTURE

Your world skidded off its axis But you wanted an easy path to tread Life is a journey and each day A new adventure, so why give up Tomorrow is coming with whole New opportunities with it You can overcome your problems Stumbling blocks are but stepping Stones for the man who is Determined to succeed Strike while the iron is hot

When fate play you a trick Sit steadfast because to Eat coconut and drink its Water, you must remove Its hard shell. Stop acting like a child With a toy taken away Ability to detect the big Waves before they gather Momentum makes the Difference between successes And failures. That is the way of the world Turn away from shadows.

THERE IS NEED FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Emotions are simply psychological responses to the events of life. Martha Washington said, “The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not our circumstances.” Emotions are great forces in every living being. Under the power of emotions someone can perform the most heroic as well as the most bastardly acts. Emotions determine the way an individual acts. In the heart of every human being is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement makes victims to lose their mind. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. Emotional intimacy is important to marriage as maintaining oil is important to an automobile. Many married couple had found out to their chagrin that a perpetual honeymoon is not a reality. It is at this stage that many of them find out that the intimacies of married life are more challenging than courtship. The best way to achieve emotional intimacy is a mutual willingness to forgo personal preferences and see things from each other’s viewpoint. There will be no genuine happiness or permanent satisfaction without blending their preferences. When married couple comes to the realization that emotional intimacy is important, they are well on their way to the perfect adjustment by which happy marriage are made possible.

If couples are to develop an intimate relationship, they need to know each other’s desires. If they wish to love each other, they need to know what the other partner wants. The way you express your desires matters. If they are expressed as demands, they may erase the possibility of intimacy and alienate your spouse. If, however, you make known your needs and desires as requests, you are giving guidance, not commands. When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that he has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. This will communicate to him emotionally that you care for him, respect and admire him and want to do something to please you. When you make demands, your spouse might comply but it is not an expression of love. It is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love. Thus, a request creates the possibility for expression of love, whereas a demand stifles the possibility. Your partner could be cheery and joyful; grumbling and whining; continually content; complaining and argumentative; hopeful and happy; discouraged and discontented. Whatever be the situation, you have the key to change the emotional climate in your home. Observe his body language – clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows. Watch out for signs that may give you clues as to what your partner is feeling. Sometimes his body language sends out one message while his words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what he is really thinking and feeling. As you try to understand your partner, more and more, your thinking will change from me to us. This goes to prove that you are having shared emotions- both exhilaration and despondency; of pain and respite from pain. With more intelligent and broad-minded outlook on married life, the wife will realize that her husband has reason to look forward to the hours spent at home as providing a relaxation from the time spent at his office. Also, the husband will become reconciled with the idea that the home which he sees as he returns from work is not a happenstance but represents many hours of tolling and planning on the part of his wife. With mutual understanding, regard and appreciation for the efforts that are being put in toward the maintenance of the family and the home, neither partner will be unsympathetic or too demanding. Under this condition, tolerance will take place of selfishness, a depth of understanding will prevent the drawing of hasty conclusions; and a desire to contribute to the happiness of the home will outweigh those little disagreements and hurt pride which formerly serves as a core around which misunderstanding develops. You can have a temper sometimes, and lash out at each other. But when it really counts, you have to be there for your partner. Barbara Rainey wrote, “Weather the storms of life by turning toward one another and building into each other rather than rejecting one another.” You must understand the importance of being a good partner. With act of will, of discipline, you can keep yourself calm and in command of the situations around you which also means being in command of yourself.

There is “a time to weep and a time to laugh.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). You should never negate your emotions, but in the midst of experiencing them, your attitude can remain constant. Maintaining a positive attitude is not a feeling but an underlying outlook you have toward people and toward life. It represents a hope and faith that is rooted within your heart. The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires. There are people who brighten a room by their presence, while others brighten the room by leaving. You should be the former and not the latter. Jesus told his followers in Matthew 5:16 “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” As you shine with love, your partner will be drawn to you. When a couple achieves emotional intimacy, their marriage will take on a new dimension. Some husbands and wives think they are spending time together when, in actual fact, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time but they are not together. One way to express love emotionally is to use loving words. Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. Think what the emotional climate of your marriage will look like if complimentary words are spoken by you regularly.