Is True Love Possible

True love doesn’t mean having a relationship of ease, it means making the continual choice to love and forgive. In fact, one of the most important truths we can grasp about true love is that it isn’t discovered; it’s created. True love is the result of choosing to love your spouse every day no matter the situation. It sprouts and grows through the process of making that choice daily, because they are many things that could make this difficulty. Many couples who have been happily married for several years have made it known that their love grew deeper with years than it were when they first married. The love they experienced in their early years is only a small fraction of the fullness of love they currently feel for each other due to working out their differences. Their true love was created not simply discovered.

However, if you are thinking of going into a relationship or if you find yourself falling in love, and ready to date, keep this in mind: relationship is way, way beyond just love and attraction. Don’t think it is like in fairy tales, once true love is found, people live happily ever after. Granted couples can look into each other's eyes and have those warm fuzzy feelings. However, truth is, all couples will have their ups and downs. Happily ever after seems to simply a perfect relationship without disagreements; when in reality those don’t exist.

If you are in a perfect relationship, you’ll get bored one day. Disagreements spice your marriage if properly handled because they allow you to talk your spouse the truth about how you really feel without pretense. And one of the couples will want to run away. So, is it possible to create and maintain a long lasting and blissful relationship, or can one even dream of creating the relationship of his or her dream? You bet!

The first step is to arm yourself with the genuine knowledge and instructions on how to create your soul-based relationship is if you can ever find a comprehensive course of instructions and learn more about the truth of relationship, and especially how you can draw in your soul mate.

Since practically anyone can learn the nuts and bolts of relationship building, focusing on some basic techniques that can be learned is a must. The main ones that guarantee true love in no particular order are:

Understand yourself: What is your personality? You may be surprised. Some people live for a long time and never come to understand or even realize why they are the way they are. And why is this important? It determines how you look at the world, how you will interpret the events occurring in your life, and who you are will help your partner determine how to react to you.

Rapport: Develop rapport with others well. In a nutshell, what it takes is to ask questions, have a positive, open attitude, encourage an open exchange of communication, listen to spouse and share positive feedback.

Conflict Resolution: Resolve negative issues and conflicts without too much friction. How do you handle conflict? If you can put your ego aside pretty much and try to keep friction to the barest minimum, your relationships should move along fairly smoothly. If you can agree to disagree on certain things with the other party involved that will help, too. In short, conflict resolution means to pretty much deal with others as you would want them to deal with you. Once true love is found, people live happily ever after. So it can be said that true love does exist.

True love equals our soul mate, someone that we love unconditionally the rest of our lives. Is it even possible to be involved with another person until the day that you die? Do you just grow to tolerate them and feel comfortable with them, as you feel with a parent or sibling? Look at the divorce rate in the world right now.

Is it because we go into marriage, expecting the infatuation and excitement to stay forever? Obviously, it’s going to fade. After a few years, we are no longer going to surprise one another; our hearts are no longer going to drop when the person walks into a room. We are going to just grow accustomed to them always being around, and we’ll appreciate them for that if they are doing right by us. So where does this misconception come from that we will be happily love all eternity without any effort?

Movies have to be blamed for this. Most of us watch romance movies to fill a void inside of us. We want that perfect person to chase after us, give us everything, and make us fall in love. More than anything, we want that happy ending.

We watch a movie with as an old couple; she has Alzheimer’s disease. Yet, she somehow is able to romance her husband, and they die together in bed some years after. We would call this, true love.  It’s nice to watch, and it’s nice as a movie.  And yes, it’s nice. But when it doesn’t happen this way in real life, we are disappointed and feel like our relationships are fake and lacking. This results in why a large number of people divorce. They are simple unsatisfied with the lack of movie love in their marriage.

It’s hopeless to constantly be searching for that type of love. Instead of trying to work on a relationship that seems to be going bad, we just decide to give up all together believing if it’s true love; you wouldn’t have to work so hard at it. And that is simply not the case.

The definition of true love isn’t love that is perfect. True love is recognizing the many imperfections and still wanting to be with the person, still fighting your hardest to make the relationship work because you couldn’t picture not having them in your life for even one day. True love is about having many differences and disagreements, but still respecting and caring deeply about the person in the end. It is something that we want to hold on to, no matter what. It is not about being the perfect relationship.

Perfect is not the definition of true love, it’s the complete opposite. So will we ever really know when we found our one and only true love? Probably not. We go through relationship after relationship always telling ourselves that this person is not the one for us. But the truth is, we don’t really know. And we probably won’t lay eyes on someone for the first time and just know that person is the one. Reality isn’t like the movie. If you find someone who makes you laugh, makes you cry, makes you crazy, stick with them. If you can’t imagine life without them in your life, don’t give up no matter how hard things get.

Love is supposed to challenge us, that is the role of little argument or disagreement. Who wants perfect when you can have passion? Couples who have healthy relationships find ways of working together, and through to the end of it. Instead of turning to movies or books to try and find out what true love really means, make up your own definition of what you want true love to mean to you.

You can achieve true love if you’re realistic about its meaning. The feeling that you cannot live without them, or you wouldn’t imagine a world without them is a sign that true love can be created with them. They also fill you with joy. You even argue with this person, but always seem to get through. You look out for this person, and never let them in harm’s way. Once you feel that about someone, then you’ve understood the true meaning of love.

Husband Plans to Traffick Wife into Prostitution

Some days later, when Adesuwa had had time to reflect on the discussion with Nosa, she shook her head in despair.  There was nothing she could do but to obey Nosa.  She began to feel fear of the unknown future that would soon be opening before her.  She had spent her childhood in Benin.  She had attended her primary and high schools in Benin City. She even attended the University of Benin for her diploma in computer science.

          How could she get on with the strange people in Italy?  In all her twenty four years, she had spoken with only two Europeans, and had no experience of civilized life beyond what she’d known in Benin.  She could chop wood, fetch water, and cook well enough according to her husband.  Perhaps, she thought, some of this would be of help in the new and frightening life awaiting her on the other side of the world, she hoped so, but she did not know for sure.

          She then decided to meet Alero Dudu, her friend, to discuss the new development.  As wivies went, Adesuwa was probably as good as any in the African traditional standard.  She stayed home, looked after her husband’s home, cooked his food, and was active in religious activities in the church.  Alero was a welcome respite from the pressures she experienced in her own household. There were good reasons for these pressures; Nosa’s extramarital flings; his growing financial problems and the latest – the trip to Europe.

          “Adesuwa, you’re welcome.  Long time!  How are you?” Alero asked.

          “I’m fine.”

          “And your husband?”

          “He’s fine.  Only we’ve been finding life a bit difficult since his electronic shop got burnt down.”

          “That was a tragedy.  What is he doing right now?”

          “Nothing. He has been looking for loan from the banks, but none is ready to give him because he has no collateral.”

          “Banks and collateral!  What will he do, now, he can’t obtain bank loan?”

          “He wants me to travel to Europe.”

          “With him?”

          “No.  Alone.”

          “To do what?”

          “To work.”

          “What type of work?”

          “Housekeeping.”

          “And what did you tell him?”

          “I’ve accepted to travel after much pressure.”

          “You did what?  Have you gone bananas?”

          “How can you say such a thing to me?”

          “Could be I’m your friend.  Maybe your only true friend.  Nosa is sending you into prostitution, half a world away from everything you’ve ever known, and you accepted.  You must be mad.”

          “I am not going for prostitution but housekeeping.”

          “Who told you that?”

          “That is the job Itohan Don Carlo has promised to find for me.”

          “And you believe that human trafficker? She is lying.  That is how she has deceived many young girls to Europe only to force them into prostitution.”

          “My case will be different.  She knows I am married.”

          “Rubbish.  Is she not married to that stupid Italian, and still sleep around with other men.”

          “I know it must sound a little crazy, but I got interested because of the amazing possibilities in Europe.  I just have to give it a try.  Europe is a land of opportunities.”

          “Our people paint over-glamorized picture of life abroad when they visit home without mentioning the traumatic experiences they go through over there.  Traveling to Italy from what I’ve heard is studded with hazards.  Many have died trying to cross Sahara desert, some fell to death while climbing mountains, and some drowned when the Boats they were traveling with from northern African countries capside in the Mediterranean Sea or Atlantic Ocean.   They have nightmarish experiences in foreign cells when they are arrested for immigration offences.  Many girls in this Edo State have been tricked into prostitution abroad.”

          “Alero, I’ll not deceive you, I’m fed up with this country, with its melancholic ambience. It is not a place to live.  Since Nosa’s electronics shop got burnt, we’ve been living in shadow of starvation and destitution.  And with political instability, monumental economic tragedy, rising unemployment, incessant pump price increases of petroleum products, which we fortunately have in abundance and resultant inflation coupled with lack of electricity, this country is now a hell.”

          “I can’t believe you’re willing to completely forsake your husband, your friends and relations to go to do some odd job especially prostitution in Europe.”

          “I am not going into prostitution; I know some our girls in Europe especially in Italy and Spain are prostitutes, but not all.”

          “Fine.  Well, explain to me my adventuress, what you’ll do if you find yourself being forced into prostitution in a foreign land?”

          “I’ll come back.”

          “I still feel that Nosa is out to use and dump you.  Especially now, you’ve no child for him.”

          “Nosa is a nice husband.  Don’t forget what he did for me when I was attacked by that sick son of a bitch. He is only thinking of how we can solve our financial problems.  I hope to visit twice a year.”

          “You think you’re going to Lagos?  Some have gone to Europe and didn’t succeed and so could not visit home in years. Many people are trapped in countries in northern Africa, like Moroco, Libya, Egypt, and Algeria; and some are even in West African countries like Senegal and Ivory Coast, but their families believe they are already in Europe.”

          “If it doesn’t work I’ll come back.  No venture no success.  But I think I can really make a success out of this adventure.  Many of our girls have.”

          “Why are you so gullible to put up with Nosa’s rotten plots? Such a selfish man is not worth being called a husband.”

          “Don’t tell me, I ought to leave him.”

          “But why not?   A husband who decides to send his wife to Europe for prostitution does not love her.”

          “Are you deaf?  How many times do I have to remind you I am not going into prostitution?”

          “Adesuwa, stop deceiving yourself.  Leave Nosa now, he has decided to used you for money, irrespective of what happens to you.You’ve got the guts.  Where’s your backbone gone?  I can’t understand why you can’t just leave Nosa before he ruins you.”

          “It is not that simple.” Adesuwa shook her head.

          “Don’t say that!  Why don’t you stop inventing obstacles?  Why don’t you decide to do something, now?  Adesuwa, there is nobody that will save you.  Nobody.  You got to save yourself.”

          “I know you mean well, Alero,” Adesuwa said, “But I’ve decided to go.”

          “Itohan will break her words to you.  This is the biggest mistake you’ll ever make in your entire life, by trusting her.  She’ll betray you. And I don’t think Nosa means well, either, “Alero added. “I’ve watch him smash your self-confidence.  That’s not a well-meaning thing to do.”

          “Nosa only criticizes me to be helpful.  To make me better.  He means well. He is a kind person.”

          “There is no such thing as being cruel to be kind.  People like Nosa are cruel to be cruel.  Don’t mistake that for kindness.”

          “I know he loves me.  Really loves me.”

          “A funny sort of love!  I can see that you love him with your whole life – and you’ll make endless sacrifices for him.”

          “Yes and he loves me, too.  If not for him maybe I would be dead by now.”

          “Maybe he does, Adesuwa, I can’t speak for him,” she said.  “But I don’t think so. Not the way he treats you.  And don’t you deny it.  Yes, maybe in his own twisted way he does love you. But what’s gone and what you’ll never get back is the protection he used to win you over, and that’s what every woman needs.  It’s an important aspect of every woman’s life, and only a few men understand it, or respect it, for that matter.  Many men think it’s silly.  But it is not, and when it’s gone, it leaves a vacuum.”

          “You know I can’t leave him.  I’d walk into fire for Nosa, considering what he did for me.”

          “Italy is not the kind of place a young woman of your delicacy should ever be exposed to.  It is a place where our young women sell themselves to men.  A woman can have wealth and beauty but without reputation she has nothing.  Going to Italy will destroy your reputation, Adesuwa.  Think about it.  But if you decide to go, and this arrangement with Nosa blows up in your face, do not say I didn’t warn you.  I only hope that if somewhere down the road when you wind up neck-deep in trouble, you’ll be able to find your way back.”

          Alero was the only person who dared criticize Adesuwa, and who wasn’t particularly tactful about doing so.  To each of the women, these minor arguments were proof of affection.  Their friendship could withstand the arguments.

          In Adesuwa’s quiet moment, when she got home, she became confused.  Her conversation with Alero had made her feel as if she was about to do something extremely adventurous and had been unfairly chastised by her friend.  But what if she was right?  Was it safe to leave Nosa behind and head for Europe?  Where was their relationship heading? It was Nosa that saved Adesuwa after she was attacked by a rapist.

Exerpt of The Glamorous Actress II

With Barbara’s earlier experience, she never thought she would become a celebrity. She was very intelligent but her father withdrew her from school because he didn’t believe in girl child education. He had to give her out in marriage in order to pay his indebtedness to the Igwe of the village.                                                                                             

“Barbara, you have a great gift for learning. You work at your lessons with seriousness,” Brenda Gibson, her class teacher said.

“Yes, ma’am. I hunger after learning as a starving man hungers after food, because you’re a very good and patient teacher. You encourage me to learn.”

“I encourage all my students, but you’re the one learning more words and getting more practice all the time. I am very sure you’ll pass your final examination with distinction.”

“I hope so ma’am. I’ll put in my best in order to pass.”

“I have a great deal of respect for your intelligence. I am optimistic you will be able to get a scholarship for higher studies.”

“Thank you, ma’am for your encouragement and support.”

                                               ***

After eating his dinner, Amadi Jones invited his wife Chioma to his hut for a discussion.

“Chioma, please come and sit down; I want to discuss something very important with you.”

“What is that?” Chioma asked as she sat on a wooden stool.

“The Igwe of our village, His Royal Highness, Chief Ike Ochendo wants to marry Barbara.”

“Marry? But Barbara has not finished high school.”

“Girl child education is useless. My priority is the boys. Barbara will be better off marrying His Royal Highness, Chief Ike Ochendo than going to school. He has more money than he knows what to do with.”

“But you know that Barbara wants to be educated. She will be highly disappointed.”

“Disappointed?”

“Yes. Disappointed.”

“She should be very happy for the great opportunity to marry Igwe. He will give her a life of luxury especially if she is able to give him an heir to the throne.”

“I believe you know the secret of His Royal Highness, Chief Ike Ochendo’s wealth?”

“I don’t know. What is the secret of his wealth?” Amadi Jones asked angrily.

“It is rumoured that he used the womb of his first wife to make money that is why she couldn’t bear children. And when he wanted to renew the medicine which he does every three years he used that of his second wife and that is why she cannot born another child after her daughter. I don’t want him as a son-in-law.”

He waved his hand dismissively. “I am not asking for your approval. I am only informing you. She must marry Igwe. He has not only promised to write off my debt but has also agreed to give me more money which will enable me, send Elliot to the university.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I’ve never been more serious all my life. What Barbara needs is a rich and powerful husband like Igwe to take good care of her.”

“A husband? Igwe?”

“Yes. A rich man who has the wherewithal to take good care of her. And there is no better person than Igwe.”

“After what he has done to his wives only a lunatic would want his daughter or any member of his family to be his wife.”

Amadi slapped her. “Shut up. That’s an order. Can you prove your allegations? Or you want to talk yourself into real trouble?”

She was almost dislodged from the wooden stool. Stunned, totally bewildered, she stared wide-eyed at her husband, and lifted a hand to her cheek.

“But I really believe His Royal Highness, Chief Ike Ochendo is not a good man. I don’t trust him.”

“I do.”

“He cannot marry my daughter, I don’t trust him.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I don’t want His Royal Highness, Chief Ike Ochendo to feel you don’t trust him, so be very careful.”

“Remember the Igwe is thirty years older than Barbara.”

“Don’t just bring that up. A man is supposed to be older than his wife. Prior to Western culture, our culture gave opportunities to marriage proposals to minors in many circumstances. Specific marriage choices and arrangements were generally organized by the couple’s parents and betrothal was traditionally arranged when each intended partner was still a child or even at birth. Relationships, exchanges, and alliances formed between the prospective families formed the main points of the marriage decision. And where a family was weighed down by financial burden, like is my case, they might be forced into giving out their girl-child in early marriage to a family with a better prospective future, like Igwe’s.  So I am not doing anything strange.”

“But not with that margin. Igwe is a shameless old man who wants to marry a helpless little Barbara, without regard to her well-being, safety, success, emotional make-up, education and survival. In time past, minors could be betrothed to an adult man but she would not live with him until she came of age. Both families and the entire community would know that she was legally tied to the family of her would-be husband. In that case, no other suitor was welcomed; neither would there be any kind of trespasses upon the betrothed girl. But the most important and honorable aspect of this special arrangement was that sexual indulgence was not permitted.”

Barbara started to open the door and then inexplicably stopped, just there holding it ajar, peering into the sitting room.

Amadi knocked Chioma to the ground and was sitting on her. “You have no right to insult the Igwe or question my decision. In our culture, another child marriage is often recorded when a polygamous man passes on. According to law and custom of our people, his young son inherits his stepmother. She becomes his wife. Unfortunately, both may never have sexual intercourse but the widowed stepmother regards and takes the little boy as her lawful husband. Oftentimes, the boy grows up and marries a woman of his choice and age. In case, his stepmother gets pregnant through an affair, the child so delivered is for her stepson not her late husband. So who are you to challenge our culture?”

“I don’t support child marriage. It is sheer evil. The consequences are enormous. It comes with both health and psychological implications. It is a case of a child giving birth to a child. What do you think will happen to her psyche? She will be mentally battered. It is sheer immorality. Any man who derives pleasure in marrying an under aged girl is a paedophile. It is dishonorable and debasement of human dignity. In any case, why would any man give out his little girl in marriage before maturity? ”

“You’re still talking?” Pinning her shoulders with his knees. He tormented her, slapped her, punched her face and pulled her hair. Barbara watched mesmerized, unable to move or speak. She watched her father beat her mother as if she was an enemy. Her mother struggled to free herself, writhed and kicked, but he was far stronger than she and weighed nearly twice as much.

“I have said and I will continually say it that a man who has erection at the sight of a girl child needs castration, not marriage. And yet, a 14-year-old girl cannot vote, or drive, but can be married away. This is perversion. It is morally wrong to even consider giving out a child in marriage. It is criminal to even consider such.”

Amadi seeing that beating had not quietened Chioma, decided to leave her alone. He started to climb off her, hesitated, glancing furtively about to make sure they were alone, then gave her a hard punch again in the face. He bounded up and dashed out of the room to behind the house. A few moments passed. Silence prevailed. He slowed to a walk, smiled to himself, and then disappeared around the corner toward Igwe’s palace.

Chioma sat up, coughing and gagging, spitting out blood. Her nose was also bleeding where Amadi had struck her. She wiped it with the back of her hand, and looked at the blood. Tears flowed down her cheeks. Barbara eased the door shut and walked away, shocked with the treatment her mother received from her father.