H. Norman Wright defines communication as, “Communication is a process (either verbal or nonverbal) of sharing information with another person in such a way that he (or she) understands what you are saying. Talking and listening and understanding are all involved in the process of communication.” Everyone was born with one mouth and two ears –the basic tools for communication. Therefore must use them properly for effective communication.
When you are married, you must communicate well with your spouse for things to go well. Most of the women have little difficulty talking. Often the problem is not just talking, but talking too much, while most men seem to talk less believing this is manly. You must speak to each other freely about anything. The feeling, “I won’t tell my wife how discouraged I feel today, I am a man. She must not think that I can’t handle my problems,” must be done away with. It is amazing that many couples fail to communicate. They stay in the same house, but rarely discuss ways of making their marriage more fulfilling.
A lot of needs, aspirations, and dreams lives within you; to share them with your partner are very important. Couples who develop balanced relationships share their hopes and dreams. You need to be consistent with communicating how you feel. However, Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” We should not speak demeaning words that will hurt your spouse. Honest communication allows people to understand and see your emotions. Your spouse can understand and respond more effectively if they are provided some information about how you want to be treated. It is vital to be able to communicate your feelings to your spouse. Clear and honest communicators make ideal marriage partners.
You spend much time wishing for things to be done in a particular way yet you never express your wishes. Good communication includes delivering your intentions to your partner. You want your partner to understand you better, spend time to explain to him what you want. You want your partner to treat you in a certain way, tell him how you want to be treated, so that he’ll know what you want.
Sheri and Bob Stritof wrote, “You need more than love for a successful marriage. You also need communication, respect, trust, humor, honesty, and commitment.” At times as you discuss some vital issue, you may disagree and quarrel especially about money. Don’t give up. David and Claudia Arp say, “It takes time to communicate, to work through conflict, and to build a creative love life.”
Communication is the key. Communication throughout marriage is important. Each partner should endeavor to acquire the art of expressing clearly and effectively his ideas, so that his partner may comprehend them easily and with as little effort as possible. Communication is a two-way process. We facilitate communication when we learn to become good listeners. Before you can understand your partner’s point of view you need to be a good listener as well as talker.
This is not a reason to stop communicating; you should continue talking until you reach agreement. Do not allow quarrel kill your communication. Instead, discuss all aspects that are important to your mutual happiness and continue until you reach a decision. When you communicate effectively, you open the doors of your hearts, allowing yourselves to see the other’s feelings. The resultant effect is that your joys are more because the happiness of one is now the happiness of the other. And your burdens will be reduced since they are now shared by an understanding partner.
Listening is a skill most people haven’t cultivated. Of Wright’s three elements of communication –talking, listening, and understanding; listening is usually the trouble area. Instead of patiently hearing what your spouse have to say, most people can hardly wait until their spouses stop talking before intervening. Failing to listen to your spouse constitute a terrible impediment to communication, which can sink the marriage boat. Though, it is a known fact that human personality is fundamentally selfish and self-centered. The thought of listening to their wives’ views to some husbands is unwelcome. But the ability to get along well with other people require that you, in the process of acquiring maturity, have brought your natural tendency to self-centeredness into such control that you do not infringe on the rights and comfort of others especially your wife or your husband. You can’t know what your spouse’s feelings are without effective communication.
To properly listen is to take time to digest the content of the message because when we openly and patiently listen to our spouses, we truly learn from them. In view of the intimacy required in marriage, it is especially important that the couples subdue their tendencies toward thinking only of their personal interests. Practically, all difficulties occurring between husbands and wives can be traced back to the failure on the part of one or the other properly to subdue his personal cravings to the advancement of their mutual desires and interests. Marriage is a matter of give and talk. Couples must make compromise and not insist on having their own ways all the time.
The effective control of self-centeredness distinguishes an individual whose personality is mature and well-balanced from another individual who is still infantile and unprepared to meet the demands which life has placed upon him.
One great help in the establishment of a down-to earth philosophy which helps a couple to accept each other in a realistic way is the ability to communicate. The ability of the couple to share joke can help in no small measure to build closeness. A sense of humor is as necessary in marriage as is oil to the smooth operation of an engine. But some husbands are arrogant and do not have much sense of humor. Some claim to be very busy. No matter how busy you are tried to communicate with your wife.
In course of living together a husband or a wife often expresses his thoughts without censorship. A partner without a sense of humor may easily misconstrue the intent of an innocent remark. Just such a trivial matter as a husband making a jovial remark may be the beginning of a dispute in which damaging words are exchanged. But with a sense of humor the wife gives her husband the benefit of doubt and assumes that the motive of his remark is only friendly, than trying to beat him at his own game. Therefore she dismisses his remark as a bit of innocent fun.
An innocent joke will break the tension of almost any misunderstanding between a husband and wife. A little attention given to the technique of being jovial will work advantageously in both directions. If the wife is in the trough of her emotional waves, her husband’s sense of humor can help her to turn the tide. If it is the husband who is feeling his inadequacy, the wife’s calling attention to the funny side may help him to see that life is interesting and worth living even though he has not quite reached the perfection he had envisaged.
You might have spoken clearly and your spouse may have listened intently, but if he doesn’t understand the message, you have not communicated effectively. There are some reasons why your message might not have made the required impact. When you speak there may be difference between what you mean to say and what you actually said. The idea may be clear in your head, but the words you choose to express the idea may be inappropriate or inadequate.
Feeling hurt is another barrier to communication. Self-confidence, in itself, is desirable and necessary to achieve success. But when self-confidence is carried too far and drives a person along the course of his own choosing without proper regard for the rights of others, it becomes a definite handicap to family happiness. Such a person leaves destruction in his wake. And the other person may feel hurt. The unfortunate thing is that the egotist’s philosophy becomes distorted to the point that he really believes that his course of action is correct, in spite of his disregard for others, and so he does not make an effort to consider the feelings of those around him.
In order to keep peace with himself, as he forces his way through life, the macho man resorts to some very peculiar ways of reasoning. One of these involves an unwillingness to accept the blame for whatever mishaps that may occur. The tendency to project the blame on the partner crops up frequently in married life. If the husband tends to be too self-assertive, it is quite natural for him to blame his wife for delaying him so long at home that he missed an important associate.
The wife who is wise will be able to see beyond her husband’s unfair criticisms and to realize that he is just reacting in a normal way; that being somehow egoistical, it would be painful for him to accept the blame for his shortcomings. She does not need to submit meekly to injustices but can successfully take recourse to her sense of humor, by which at an opportune time, she can playfully turn the tables on her egoistical husband.
The tendency to transfer resentments and disappointments from one individual to the other is such a common human trait that a husband may take it out on his wife, when he returns from a strenuous day at the office. Or the wife may take it out on the husband after she had had an especially hard time trying to keep up with the mischievous children. This is because communication was neglected. This kind of marriage will become boring. To ensure that your marriage is romantic, the man must not become too busy earning money that he fails to communicate with his wife. And the wife must not get so busy that she neglects communicating with her husband.
Many times your intentions are not pursued by actions or words that would make them possible. To be able to communicate well;
• Learn from your mistakes and be willing to change your communication pattern if you have been guilty of hindering communication in your family.
• Always maintain respect for your spouse when communicating your differences. It is in order to disagree, but not to disrespect your partner.
• It takes a lot of effort from husbands and wives to become good communicators. So make some effort in communicating well so as not to be misunderstood.
• Don’t interrupt your partner; hear him/her out even if it take some time for him or her to communicate.
