When Your Marriage Was Successful Losing Your Spouse Can Be Traumatic

“Hello! Mom, are you home?” Cynthia shouted as she returned from the church. No one answered, but there was a shuffling sound coming from the rear of the house. Not a threatening sound, yet it was alarming given that the door was open and no one was around. Cynthia Mba walked through the living room, turning on the light as she entered. Mary Mba was sitting on the floor, a pair of antique doll in her lap. She didn’t look up immediately, and when she did, she seemed startled, like a sheep caught in the glare of oncoming headlights. “Mom?” Cynthia said, a muscle fluttering in her neck. “Aren’t they just lovely?” she asked, her voice softer than it normally tended to be. “They don’t make dolls like these anymore, you know. I’ll have to hide them, or your dad might break them. He’s always so angry. I don’t understand why he’s so angry these days.” A chill of foreboding crept along Cynthia’s spine. “Daddy is dead, mom. Don’t you remember?” When her husband died she wept ceaselessly. She couldn’t be consoled. She had not only lost a husband but her best friend, confidant, protector, provider and reliable man. She wished they died the same day. In order to be able to continue to live, she had made herself to belief that he was still alive, probably on a long journey from which he would eventually return. She made a move to rise, and Cynthia reached out to help her. “Mom, is everything all right? No one’s out in front, and the door was opened.” “Good heavens! What time is it? I’d better hurry and get dinner ready before your father returns from the office.” Cynthia drew a deep breath and, reaching out, took her mother’s hand. “I told you that daddy is dead.” “I’m so sorry, dear. I’m dreadfully sorry. I just don’t want to believe he’s actually gone forever. Forgive me.” Cynthia tightened the grip on her mother’s hand with her left, patting it gently with her right in an effort to calm her. “There’s nothing to forgive. Nothing at all.”

Cynthia moved into the living room and switched the television on with the remote to listen to the news. “Marriage is a commitment involving two people who choose to be deeply dependent on each other. Marriage is a chosen act –a process involving a person’s will and desire. Oneness between a husband and wife is a process that happens over a period of time. Becoming one can be a very hard process. It is not easy to change from being independent and self-centered to sharing aspect of your life with another person. But this is what Mr. and Mrs. Mba had achieved but Mr. Mba departed this world. They married when they were in their 20s and remained happily married till Mr. Mba dies a fortnight ago. He died at the ripe age of 95 years and they were married for 73 years. They actually practiced God’s injunction of “Till death do us.” We want to express our profound condolences to Mrs. Mba, his widow and their daughter, Cynthia Mba, who is our staff on the dead of her beloved father. May his soul rest in peace.” As she listened to the news, Mrs. Roberta James came in. “How are you Cynthia? Where is your mother?” “She has retired to her bedroom.” Mary had retired to her bedroom, but was unable to rest. Above their quiet conversation, the sound of footsteps, on the floor could be heard –forward and backward, forward and backward –a short pause, and forward and backward. Mrs. James gaze drifted toward the bedroom door. Cynthia could tell she was worried. “Did you speak to her about this?” “I tried. Cynthia sighed. “She assured me she’s fine, but I can tell the death of my father has depressed her. If you could have seen the look on her face when I found her, you’ll understand what I mean. I’ve never seen her like that.” She stopped, unwilling to add her own concerns to Mrs. James’. Mrs. James had been Mary’s friend for over ten years. “I have seen it, child. My own mother’s mind got weak after my father’s death. It was hard thing to live with, and I had my sisters to share the burden, and to cry with. You’re all alone in this, aren’t you?” “I’m fine, really. What she didn’t say was that she was shaken. Her mother had always been the one steady force in her life. Her safety net. No matter what happened, no matter how bad things become, her mother was there to support her, to give advice, and love, and the thought of her present condition was terrifying. “Don’t you go trying to sweep this under the carpet? You better take her to see a doctor,” Mrs. James advised. “Tomorrow,” Cynthia said, hugging Mrs. James. “Thank you for being here. I appreciate it, and I know she does, too.”

“What are old friends for?” Mrs. James said with a sad smile. “Listen, don’t to see a doctor, tomorrow.”

DON'T SHOW FAVORITISM TO ANY OF YOUR CHILD

Every child resembles each of his parents in many ways. It may be that the child In families where there are several children, relationship often becomes strained because parents show favoritism to one child above another. Children are quick to detect evidences of favoritism, but there is little the child can do about it. Parents should caution each other occasionally, however, regarding the possibility of permitting such a condition to develop and exist in their home. The basis for favoritism may date back to circumstances preceding the birth of the child, or may depend on some of the child’s personality traits, by which the parent becomes more sympathetic with one child than another. Father and mother have equal parts to play in determining the hereditary make-up of a child. Therefore looks like his father, but it may also be that he has a disposition like that of his mother. Certain of his features resembles those of his father and others those of his mother. Even the way the child thinks and reacts depend quite on the traits that the child has inherited. Some parents tend to love the child that looks or behave like them more. Before doing something for one child, the parent should ask himself, “Am I in a position to do this same thing, or its equivalent for the other children? if the answer is no, the parent should change his plans so that all children may be treated alike. The showing of favoritism is harmful to children. it is harmful both to the child who is favored and to the child against whom there is discrimination. The favored child, as he approaches maturity, may have learned to be so dependent upon

dependent upon the parent who has been overindulgent that he is poorly prepared to meet the realities of life. The discriminated child, on the other hand, may have developed the feeling that he is inferior to his brother or his sister, and so become victim of an inferiority complex. Partiality among the children also has its undesirable effects on the relationship of one parent with the other. Often each parent will select a favorite from among the children, the mother selecting the child that the father does not favor and vice versa. The situation causes strained relations between the parents, just as it does between the children. Even when the favored child leaves home, the rivalries and antagonism which have been developed between parents and other children may be difficult to resolve that the parents will no longer find each other’s companionship desirable. In some cases the expectant mother worries about whether the child will be normal. Another consideration of serious nature especially in undeveloped countries of the world, which provokes consideration speculation, is whether the child will be a boy or a girl. There is now scientific means of determining which it will be. The prospective parents can then go for scanning to remove the suspense. There have been cases, of course, in which either the husband or the wife centered so much expectation on the child being a boy or a girl that it was with difficulty that the disappointed parent became reconciled to the circumstance. In isolated cases these disappointments have carried on even into the later years of the child’s life leading to discrimination. It is unfortunate as well as foolish, therefore, that a parent should even harbor the thought of resentment against a child who happens to be of a different sex than he preferred.

For those who insist that their child must be a son they should take note that when the word, “greatness” is mentioned, Mrs. Golda Meir’s name immediately comes to the forefront. Her commitment to her country and her people was the paragon of patriotism. Born 1898 in Kiev, in then USSR, she ended up as the one of the greatest Prime Minister, Israel ever had. She voluntarily resigned from office in 1973. The great women called it quit when the ovation was still loud. It is long women began to inch their way up the social, political, and economic ladder, but recently there have been tremendous increase in such attainment. Germany has a woman Chancellor right now, the first in the country in person of Angela Merkel. Michelle Bachehlet has been elected the Chilean President. Nigeria has two female Supreme Court Justices. The first to be appointed was Honorable Justice Mariam Aloma Mukhtar, and was later followed be Honorable Justice Olufunlola Oyelola. Mrs. Ellen Johnson Sirleaf won a significant victory to become the President of Liberia, Africa’s first female President. The lists of successful women are endless. With the facts before us is there any reason to discriminate against the girl child? There are equally endless lists of successful men, so there is no reason to discriminate against male children either. Whatever be the sex of your child get him or her properly trained and you will have no regret whatsoever. Both sexes are capable of greatness. Greatness is not a preserve of one sex.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HONEYMOON

The honeymoon is the short transition period between marriage and the establishment of a home. Many features of courtship still blend into this period. At the same time many features of established home life begins during this period. Before the wedding, young couple usually has the blissful picture in their minds of having a lovely time with each other during honeymoon. During courtship there are still some restraints so couple looks forward to this time when they will be able to devote themselves unreservedly to each other. They anticipate the time when they will be liberated from the restrictions which society places on unmarried couples. During honeymoon therefore there is the development of boundless joy of belonging to each other. During courtship the young couple expression takes the form of many lovely acts of thoughtfulness which serve to amplify, emphasize, and illustrate the extent of their love for each other. But the complete expression of love between a young man and a young woman awaits the honeymoon when divinely ordained physical expression can take place. Honeymoon provides a proper and thrilling release for the pent-up tensions and urges that have increased throughout the courtship period. During the honeymoon when the newly wedded couple enters their bedroom, their hearts are full of joy. This is the time they have been waiting for. Before marriage some couples had been tempted to have sex, but they resisted the urge. Some succumbed to the desire. Now, the long awaited day has come.

and families approve. Sex is a wedding gift from God. In planning a honeymoon attention should be given to certain principles that have a direct bearing on determining whether the honeymoon will accomplish, what it is intended to accomplish in providing a proper setting for the adjustments which should be made during this period. The honeymoon experience sets the standard of what follows in the family life of the young couple. When planning the honeymoon it is very important that serious consideration is made for the newly wed to be absolutely alone, at least during the first few days of the wedding. This implies that their time should be spent away from the immediate environment in which they have friends and acquaintances. Many people believe in long trips and strenuous travel for their honeymoon but this should rather be avoided so as not to wear out the newly wed. With respect to the amount of time that should be allowed for the honeymoon, there is a possibility of going to extremes in either direction. A short honeymoon will not provide enough time for the young couple to do justice to each other in blending their personalities into a harmonious unit. When the honeymoon is too long it gives room for boredom to set in; this can lead to disagreements.

Marriage should be set at a time when adequate time can be set aside for the honeymoon. It is also important that enough funds should be available so that provision can be made for an enjoyable honeymoon. The global tour which wealthy people favor has many disadvantages. It requires that the young couple remain too long in the public eye. It is strenuous to plan, and usually requires such a long period of time as to risk the couple actually becoming tired of each other. A honeymoon that lasts as much as three months without any productive activities thwarts the purpose in the natural restlessness and anxiety that comes from long separation from everyday normal activities. The emotional readjustments at the time of the honeymoon are greater in the case of the bride than they are in that of the bridegroom. Seldom does marriage greatly change the man’s way of life as sharply as it does that of the wife’s. If the husband has been employed prior to his marriage the chances are that he will continue in the same employment after marriage. If the bride has been employed prior to marriage, however, it most likely she may relocate to her husband’s place of aboard if they were not in the place which will necessitate her changing job. Or she may devote herself entirely to homemaking after the wedding and honeymoon is over. When the man resumes his usual employment after the honeymoon, it is only natural that during the long hours the woman spends at home alone, she will become so lonely as to wonder whether the marriage means as much to her husband as it does to her. During this transition period the new husband should become familiar with the duties of the household. This not only gives him greater insight into the problems of maintaining a home but also gives her the reassurance that their home is of mutual interest and concern. What the newly wed couple should realize, however, is that the deeper satisfactions and genuine happiness of a properly adjusted marriage develop slowly over a period of time. And this involves a mutual willingness to forgo personal preferences and see things from each other’s viewpoint. With mutual regard and appreciation for the efforts that are being spent toward the maintenance of the family and the home, neither partner will be unsympathetic or too demanding. Tolerance will take the place of drawing of hasty decisions; and a desire to contribute to the happiness of the home will far outweigh those little feelings of jealousy and hurt pride which often serves as a nucleus around which misunderstandings develop.

EFFECT OF COURTSHIP IN MARRIAGE

Courtship is the period which an unmarried couple becomes personally and intimately acquainted with each other. It is during this period that the final decisions are made for or against the marriage. It is an interesting period because if the special friendship continues into marriage, the habits, customs and attitudes established during this period will set the pace for the type of relationship of later life. During the period of courtship, lovers should be able to decide on the advisability of their taking the solemn vows of marriage. Prior to courtship, a young man and a young woman have attracted themselves, largely on the basis of casual observations and exterior appearances. Some might have admired each other secretly for a longer or shorter period, this admiration being based on chance meetings and casual conservations rather than on proper knowledge of each other’s personalities. It is not uncommon for young couples to begin their courtship even before they are actually engaged to be married. In fact, it is desirable that their friendship should continue on the basis of a general understanding for a period of time before the young man actually proposes. The practice of young men marrying girls they rarely know well except for recommendations of relations is dangerous and should be discouraged. The early part of courtship is a period in which there should be an experiencing and demonstration of common interests. The time spent together should be spent on formal and informal social occasions. It is advisable for the girl to see her fiancé in working clothes and for the young man to become accustomed to his fiancée in a kitchen apron. Reasonable emphasis should be placed on the practical everyday life. A courtship

which is carried out while the young people live very far apart and see each other once in a blue moon is naturally artificial and risky. Practical setting for courtship is not possible in this circumstance. But where courtship is unavoidably artificial, the period of courtship should be prolonged more than those cases where it is possible for the lovers to develop their friendship in an everyday setting. Every normal, serious-minded young boy or girl should be sure in advance that his choice of a life partner is a wise one and that he has exercised reasonable precautions in avoiding such a friendship that might endanger his happiness. As friendship develops, certain traits of character and factors of personality are likely to become apparent. Doubts may arise as to whether the friendship is an ideal one and the young person should at this time try to re-evaluate the friendship as impartially as possible. Although, it is unwise to terminate a friendship brashly, because some human traits have manifested, every human being possesses certain fault of personality. The question we need to ask ourselves however is if the unsuspected trait or fault of personality is of sufficient magnitude to interfere with the progress of the courtship. Sometimes anyway, a young person may be so alarmed by observing faults in the personality of the fiancé/fiancée that the friendship has been terminated. Many people in this vain search for the perfect husband or the perfect wife, allowed the opportunities for a desirable marriage to finally pass. As courtship progresses, there should be no deep, dark secrets of things which in any way that may threaten the esteem of your partner. People who consider marriage need to learn to share their aspirations and dreams about who they want to become. They should express hopes about their future and exchange potential goals about what they hope to

accomplish in marriage and in life. They should discuss such important issues as whether or not they want to be parents and how many children they would want to have. The willingness to share opinions is a mark of trust in your relationship and an important contribution toward a clear understanding of one another. Absolute trust and fidelity should be maintained. Courtship however, is final step toward marriage and therefore constitutes the most important preparation for marriage.